Today was a interesting day because it had no beginning, today started yesterday at some point as I am going through an erratic sleep pattern being active during the night to follow everything that I had missed out about Desteni Forums and blogs and then sleep some during the day, but not today.
I have noticed I am not interested in vlogs, when I meet a vlog I look for the text version, I have come to accept and believe that I am not visual and made myself unable to integrate informations from pictures, I need to read what I need to understand. I remember when I went to see Mouline Rouge and I felt assaulted by the beginning, all those colours, all those twirlings of skirts, didn’t know where to look to get it all in, infact couldn’t, I sat breathless until they slowed down the visuals and I could catch up.
When I go to see movies where people don’t talk for the first ten minutes I know I have missed important clues, the visual is not yet of support to me, words must come in writing, I can watch the videos where there are text over pictures because then I leave the pictures behind and I can read, weird.
Me and my ex husband used to sit through a movie like two half people he would ask me continuosly “what did they say” because I could repeat verbatim and he would miss most of the dialogues and I would ask “what happened”, when they were not talking because I missed the obvious happening in picture form only. the Vlogs don’t interest me yet, maybe later they will be a revelation, we’ll see how I unfold.
This morning I looked around and thought, what a mess, this is not working either, this is a pattern in my life that I need to write out and self forgive, I have accepted and believed that I can focus on the one things that catches my interest in the moment completely and leave behind all the rest, while practical things pile up outside the door and inside the house, the thing now is Desteni, but have dishes to wash, bed to make, floor to clean and the laundry to put somewhere, possibly in the drawers.
I realized I am detaching from this house which was a nest, a place of seclusion, I had things piling up outside of the door as well, like sending a fax to the new lawyer, get my sauna flier done and start looking at ways to dismantle this house, so I had a choice, inside or outside? And I attended to the outside to start with because it was more pressing and it felt like it occupied a bigger chunck of my backchat.
So got the flyer ready, wrote to some friends about the list of things I want to sell sent out the flyer for my sauna, packed my wireless device back into the original box to sell to a friend, put together some of my boooks, dividing them into a bag of italian books for a friend that a few days ago told me he missed reading in Italian because he was not yet good enough with the language to read in English apart from manuals, and a bag to sell and designed my day in my head of how I woud run this errands.
Checked myself quickly in the mirror, did not make up and went out. The gardener stopped me to tell me Ellie, “pum pui” and smiled, which means I have put on some weight, which is true since I have abandoned the exercise to focus on the Internet world. This word is interesting, it translates with “softie’, it’s kind, like the Thai culture, and being pum pui is envied by the lower classes of workers that still greet each other with “have you eaten”. The Chinese woud call you “fatso” and laugh about it, even though in Chinese as well the greeting is not “Hello” but “have you eaten”, the Chinese dislike indulgences, they are thrifty except for what they need to show off, they eat modestly, almost never drink, excesses are frowned upon among the Chineses, they are not soft people, they are tought and harsh in their expression, they tell it like it is regardless of your feelings, except when they want to manipulate you in self interest, all cultures are the same, just different expressions.
When she remarked that I was fat I considered changing my planned errand to not go to the Italian friends today, and so I caught myself still possessed by the Beauty Demon of wanting to look good and not fatso and not made up, because of my accepted definition of what a woman is supposed to be to fit into the system, instead I pushed myself and went, they were not there, somehow I was glad, (next time I will be fit again I thought in my secret mind that I can now see typing, meanwhile I will look into this Beauty Demon crap I said to myself catching me in blatant abuse of myself) , it was too early, at 12 o’clock the working day for those who own a resort has not yet started.
This point was interesting for me to see because I saw that I still manipulate men, whatever I said to my buddy today having a demure look about me and keeping my hair up the energy play is still there, gave up sex but not the desire to be desired that is a big definition of myself that I will write out as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in the desire of participating in the sexual energy play. gotcha 🙂
Then I went to a British friend that has a second hand bookshop where I got many books in the past years, many I would just start and never finish because Pot is not conducive to reading within meaning, you have to go back and read the same page 5 times before you can remember who is who and what they are talking about and so while it’s a good test to see how gripping a book is, not many passed the test.
He lost his Thai wife on the 3rd of April to cancer, I knew that she was very sick but I have been away and then busy so I had not yet heard that she had passed, we sat to chat for a couple of hours, I could not focus, I was tired, almost falling asleep and was thinking in flashes that maybe I could put up one of my sauna flyers there but I had to wait for the right moment to ask and so I lost myself in nonsensical conversations waiting for the right moment about how the Thais are better at funerals than we are, how they have a closer family system (of abuse) and some stories that were just delusionals about the value of keeping the family together, when we both know that the 2 children of her are staying around him hoping to get something out of his business.
But in self honesty, everytime I managed to shut down the flyer chat in my head, I did not know how to participate, join in into the grieving that was just formal but not real ? Have an exchange of politenesses about different cultures when we both understand that we spend our lives on the island looking for the good points of the Thai people because we have accepted and believed that instead they are just greedy bastards but in their case the fall from grace, from the accepted and desperately believed goodness of this kind race has been harder to swalllow, most of us are still in shock, we came here as to the ultimate refuge, a place where people were good, for sure, instead we found people just like us, demonic in their greed and desire to abuse, just with a smile on their faces, reflecting back to us the reality of the system of evil of Power and Money that we first exported, taught, implemented and now are not willing to face, the Thais are us, just more scared, more desperate, living in fear that the Foreign devils (Farangs as they call us, like the Chinese Gwailos, same meaning) might leave their country and return them to their lives of misery, at least now they have prostitution, what will they have if we leave ? Misery of the economy and of the Selves they sold to the system. The Thais are me, I am the Thais.
There is no more Heaven on Earth until there is Heaven for All, not one corner in the world is left untouched by the capitalistic idea of greed and power in name of free will and free choice no matter whhat, we are forced to face ourselves even here, in a remote corner of the planet, there is nowhere to turn anymore, so le’t stop running, let’s stop and face ourselves so that we can face this world, clear our shame and guilt and bring Heaven to Earth for everybody.
If you want to know how visit the Desteni site and check out the Desteni I Process
let’s bring Heaven to Earth so that we may stop fearing each other and ourselves and become responsible Human beings in Oneness and Equality