Walking away from the Mind, so many Fears..

 

Since yesterday it became clear that I am still just walking through my mind.
I have just swapped thoughts I participate in, before it was anything and everything and now it’s more focused on something, still the mind is were I live.
Today as well I saw that I have extensive fears to venture out of the mind, I have noticed a lot of fears that I want to write down to put them in a perspective that I can then address with self forgiveness, I fear not knowing how to exists out of the mind, I fear not knowing what to expect if I walk away from the mind, I fear that in the mind there isn’t enough knowledge and information for me to operate on, I fear not being interesting outside of the mind, I fear not being interested outside of the mind, I fear losing the advantage of knowledge and infomation that I lived one and equal to all my life and that made me believe I was more than others with less knowledge and information, I fear that I don’t have a map to follow and since I am not familiar with Self I don’t know if I can trust Self to lead, I fear Self because I cannot picture it or work it out through my mind, I fear being lost without the mind, I fear that there is nothing beyond the mind, I fear that I will not know how to express myself because I have only expressed myself through acumulated knowledge and information, I dear that since I place my fuck up through the mind in a time accumulated pile, too much time has gone by for me to be able to dig myself out of this like in the Matrix movie that you cannot unplug someone out of the mind after a certain age, I fear that I don’t know what will happen to my body if I lose my mind, I fear losing my mind, I fear that I cannot trust anything but my mind because I don’t know anything else yet, I fear this process must be painful because birthing yourself into the physical I have associated in my mind to childbirth which is painful, I fear I will no longer have fun, I fear losing the ability to communicate,  fear exposing all these fears because they make me feel ashamed because I never realized I had so many fears relative to just stepping away from something that I understood to be the cause of al the suffering in the world, I fear that if I look at such shame and such fears I will be frozen in a place of no return because they will be too much for me to handle,  fear that I cannot handle this, I fear that I have to face the shame that I don’t take the necessary steps to stop because I fear no longer existiing and that I obviously give in to fear to not have to face the fear of not existing, I fear what oother people will think of me both here and out of here because I am in limbo land between the two worlds, not participating in the outside world fully or in the Desteni world because I have not moved myself effectively beyond these fears through facing them, I fear that I will use the Desteni material to belittle others because they don’t get it because this is what I have always used knowledge and information for, I fear I cannot be trusted in any of the two worlds, I fear all this is too big for me at this stage in my life, I fear I might not be able to recall all of my thoughts because I have been away 25 years on pot and I heard Bernard saying if you cannot remember all your thoughts you are fucked,  I fear being fucked, I fear there are too many holes in my memory for me to walk this process, I fear that now I’m fucked anyway because if I let go of this process the shame will kill me and if I walk it the shame will kill me, I fear I am not doing enough but I am still entertaining myself while thw world has become hell, I forgive myself because I fear I will not be able to relate to my mother anymore because she has finally found a place of comfort with positive thinking and now when I talk to her I am always rocking her boat I can’t even let her believe that God exists so I feel like a sadist because I do not know how I am supposed to behave and what is the right thing to say or do, I forgive myself for fearing that if I leave my accepted world of polarity of righ and wrong of what is apropriate and inappropriate of what is kind and not of the mind I will not know how to behave, I fear that if I’m not aware at all times I might be fucking happily with myself deluding myself that I am walking this process while I just walk it as knowledge and information instead of letting go and breathing myself through this process to make sure it’s real, I fear I am not real in any of the two world where I live at the moment, I fear becoming real, I fear that I will always give in to my accepted behaviour of switching off when everything seems just too much by sleeping like I did this afternoon, I fear my fear of existing like this.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe and live one and equal to the fear that I don’t know how to exist outside of the mind, the mind is not who I am so I stop participating in this fear to give myself a chance to discover who I am by walking this process of self discovery

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that  the idea that since I don’t know what to expect if I walk away from the mind I better not walk away, instead of realizing that it’s my mind programming that tells me to not walk away and offering for me a “safe place” to exist so that I will not dare to walk away, instead I stop this fear, fear is of the mind and I am not the Mind, when I can bring myself Here in breath I don’t need to know what to expect because I’m HERE , expectations and need for expectations is of the Mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself  for allowing myself to accept and believe that I fear that without knowledge and information for me to operate on I don’t know how to exist, instead of realizing that when I operate on knowledge and information I am of the Mind and not Here, so I stop the fear of not living as knowledge and information, understand that this is what I identified myself with in the past but I am not knowledge and information, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that if I move outside of the mind I will not be interesting because I have learned to use knowledge and information to make myself interesting and I fear losing this upper hand, instead of realizing there is nothing to lose but my participation in a system of abuse that I have decided to no longer participate in so I no longer participate in the fear of not being interesting as knowledge and information because I am not knowledge and information and wanting to be interesting is a desire of the Mind, I am not the mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate one and equal to the desire of being more interesting than others and in the shame that I felt when I realized I always wanting to be more interesting than others instead I realize desire is a system design and so is shame, nothing is Real but Self one and equal to Life and everything else that exists, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear losing the advantage of knowledge and information over others with less knowledge and information because wanting an advantage over others is in itself based in the fear of not being enough, instead I stop breath and bring myself Here one and equal to Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am not enough unless I make myself more than others, I stop the fear of not being enough and see that fear is not who I really am but a system design, I am not a system design, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I don’t know if I can’t trust Self to lead me out of this lost place because I don’t have a map of where I am going that I can follow through my mind, instead I realize I don’t need a map to go anywhere when I am Here, so I stop the fear of not having a map to guide me, Breathe and realize I am not lost, I am Here, there is nowhere to go when I am Here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear Self because I cannot picture it or work it out through the mind, instead of realizing when I am Here there is nothing to picture out, the need for pictures and maps is of the mind and I am not the mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being lost without the Mid, instead of realizing I’m lost within the Mind, so I get myself out of there by breathing and bringing myself back Here , I am Life, I am Here I can never be lost

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that there is nothing beyond the mind because as I write this I can see how I would write this into a program so that the program would not want to venture out having been told there is nothing to be found, so I stop believing the bullshit of the Mind that doesn’t make sense and realize I am not the Mind, outside  of the Mind doesn’t exist, there is no there, there is only in the Mind or Here, so I bring myself back Here with every breath, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I will not know how to express myself without using the mind because I have only expressed myself until now through accumulated knowledge and information separate from me, instead I bring myself Here becausee when I am Here I don’t need knowledge and information, knowledge and information is of the Mind and I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for fearing that without the mind I will not know how to express myself because I have only existed and expressed myself through accumulated knowledge and information, instead I realize this fear is not real, only Self is Real in Breath and when I am Here I don’t need knowledge and information to express myself, I am not kowledge and information of the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for fearing that since I evaluate my fucked up life through the mind in a time line of accumulation and too much time has gone by with me piling up fuck ups I won’t be able to dig myself out of this place like in the Matrix movie that you cannot unplug someone out of the mind after a certain “age” and I fear having reached an “age of no return instead I realize, there is no time but in the mind, when I bring myself back Here through breath “time” is not an issue, so I keep pushing to bring myself Here and out of the idea of being stuck in a timeline, ideas are of the mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life
 
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I don’t know what will happen to my body if I lose my mind because I have accepted the mind over matter theories one and equal to me, instead I realize that the mind is not running the body except for running it into the grave, the body doesn’t need the mind to live, the body is already Here, I need to bring myself Here so I can amalgamate with my body, there is nothing to lose in losing the mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear losing my mind because of the accepted definition of what “losing one’s mind” means to me, meaning going crazy. instead I realize I am crazy within the mind, if I walk away I leave crazy behind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that  I cannot trust anything but my mind because I don’t know anything else yet, instead I realize there is nothing I need to know beforehand, this is a requirement of the Mind, I just need to build Self Trust through accumulated Self Honesty and be Here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think and say that I don’t trust myself because I judge myself about the life I have lived where I have been untrustworthy according to the judgements of polarity of the system, instead I realize that my life was preprogrammed and I just wore it like a dress that I can take off, and that to build trust I need to accumulate consistent self honesty with regard of who I have allowed myself to become by looking at my fears and forgiving myself for participating in them one and equal to me , self trust will come with process, I accept that this is a process and bring myself back Here every time I see myself wander into speculations about why I should not trust myself, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that this process must be painful because birthing yourself into the physical I have associated it through my mind to childbirth, which is painful, instead of realizing these are just con-clusions of my mind to bring up fears so that I will not dare to walk this process and free myself from the illusion, I stop my mind associations and projections regarding what this process should look, feel and be like and keep walking by bringing myself back into the physical through breath, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I will never have fun again, instead of realizing I cannot recall for real a time when I had fun except for a made up idea of what having fun is and for me living out that idea and conclusion which means only Mindjobs, so I stop deluding myself thinking I have ever had fun before because I realize I had the prescribed fun recommended by the system but it was never about Self expressing Here in the physical and walk this process to discover how it unfolds without ideas or expectations or fears, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear exposing all these fears because they make me feel ashamed because I never realized I had so many fears relative to just stepping away from something that I understood to be the cause of all the suffering in the world, instead I see that I have to stop so that I will no longer allow myself to live in shame for not stopping, I am not my fears, fears belong to the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed for exposing my fears to myself because I have always defined myself as fearless, instead I realize shame is just another crippling tool of the system to keep me in place, I stop the fears, I stop the shame,  stop the definititons of me that live in the mind and start facing each and every one of them so that I can set myself free and start to become effective, I am not mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I cannot handle this because if I look at such shame and such fears I will be frozen in a place of no return because I have never seen myself this way, instead I realize this process is about facing oneself not as one imagined oneself to be as that is of the mind, but as one as allowed oneself to become and lives one and equal to, because only when I apply such self honesty I can see myself, stand and make corrections to no longer live in the delusions of the mind, I can handle this when I am Here and look at myself beyond the polarity judgements of the mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I fear taking the necessary steps to stop myself because I fear no longer existing and I fear being too afraid to stop and having to face the shame of not being able to stop myself instead I realize both the fear of not being able to stop and the projected shame are mind jobs, so I stop participating in the mind because that is where all of my fears generate from and all of my shame generates from, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I fear what other people will think of me both here and out of here because I am in limbo land between the two worlds not participating in the outside world fully or in the Desteni world because I have not moved myself effectively beyond these fears through facing them, instead I realize all these considerations are of the Mind were I have existed placing more value on the way people saw and judged me than on my Self valued only by my Self Honesty so I stop living in the mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the judgement of others because I have placed the value of me outside of myself into the way people look and see me instead I stop and see that the way other people see and judge me is not my probem unless I accept and believe it is and that these considerations are of the Mind so that I would give in spending my life trying to please everyone else thus forgetting that I AM HERE, I stop forgetting that I AM HERE and let go of the need to have good reviews from the outside world, I don’t need to be valued by others unless I am of the Mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe in the fear that I might use the Desteni material to belittle others because they don’t get it because this is what I have always used knowledge and information for, instead I realize I can trust myself to not do that, there is nothing in this message that I can use to belittle others because it’s a message of equality as a starting point, so I stop this irrational fear, realize it’s just my mind finding new loopholes for me to follow so that I go on a wild goose chase, I stop the willd goose chases in my mind because they don’t offer anything of value but a hook for my participation into systems, I am not my mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that  I might not be able to recall all of my thoughts because I have been away 25 years on pot and there are too many holes in my memory and I heard Bernard saying if you cannot remember all your thoughts you are fucked so I fear being fucked, instead I realize I don’t know if I’m fucked or not, I know I was for sure before Desteni, when I am Here I don’t feel fucked so I bring myself back Here and I stop the fears that I feel when I take in informations as knowledge separate from me, I am not my Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowig myself to judge myself because I see that I am not doing enough, even though I see that enough is a judgement of my mind that leads me to blaming myself through the idea that I’m just fucking around while the world has become hell, instead I realize that if I bash myself around I will retreat in a corner like I did today giving in to my patterns of non existance by switching off and going to sleep, so it is important that I be a little patient while I build a stable point for myself to walk consistently, I don’t need to punish myself into working things out, there is nothing to work out but stopping the mind so I just need to keep walking, the Mind is not me, I am Life

I forgive myself because I fear I will not be able to relate to my mother anymore because she has finally found a place of comfort with positive thinking and now when I talk to her I am always rocking her boat I can’t even let her believe that God exists so I feel like a sadist because I do not know how I am supposed to behave and what is the right thing to say or do, instead I realize that I don’t need to find all the answers now, I just need to keep walking until I move further away from my past accepted behaviours and mind acceptances of right and wrong and then when I will be Here more consistently I will kow what to say or do at all times without fear or guilt, fear and guilt belong in the Mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for fearing that if I leave my accepted world of polarity of right and wrong of what is apropriate and inappropriate of what is kind and not of the mind I will not know how to behave, instead I realize none of that is real, there is nothing to lose by leaving all these allowed accepted definitions of the mind behind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that if I’m not aware at all times I might be fucking happily with myself deluding myself that I am walking this process while I just walk it as knowledge and information instead of letting go and breathing myself through this process to make sure it’s real, I can do this, being aware is just about being Here and seeing what is Real, I will get better and better at it, there is nothing to fear, I am Here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I am not real in any of the two worlds where I live at the moment, instead I realize, one world, the mind, was never real, the other is getting realer as I get realer by the day, I can do this, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I fear becoming real, this is a fear of the Mind and I don’t buy it any longer, the Mind fears that I might see that the Mind is not Real and fears its own non existance, I am not the Mind, and when I am Here as Life, I am Real

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear existing like this, I don’t need to fear existing like this because I can stop myself from existing like this by walking this process, this fear is related to me fearing my existance as the Mind now that I see more clearly this reality, but I am not the Mind, I am Life Here in every moment of Breath

There is nowhere to go, nothing to learn, nothing to wish for, not a purpose or a meaning to look for when I am Here, only when I am Here I am Real, the rest is gibberywock to keep me busy, I stop the gibberywock, breath and realize, I AM HERE , I am Life

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