Today I have read a lot of blogs and forum stuff, something came up when I read some of Marlen’s blogs relative to the importance one’s give to being validated by others.
I don’t have many “others” left around me that I wish could validate me, but nevertheless I realized this is still a massive point because in everything I do or think to do, the first point is how I will present it to others to make it acceptable.
Forget about Desteni stuff as with the few friends I have found again back in Italy from 20 years ago, I would not know where to start, I lack an Italian vocabulary to explain these concept, even for something as simple as Equal Money because it’s a topic surrounded for me by a sense of being stupid for even thinking it may be possible given the reality of the country I live in.
Yesterday they proposed the new Financial Emergency Law that should become effective immediately if voted, they are still planning to take from people, the only cut they made to the politicians packages are that they will have to travel “economy” and no longer business class or first, even though it’s of public knowledge that they earn 3 times what the other European politicians earn not counting what they steal.
So somewhere inside of me I don’t know how to address this topic to others, simply because even though I myself am starting to see that it would just take the will of people to take the system down, I accept that I live in a country where half a million crooks have not been taken down by 60 millions, not even through voting them out.
We accept that the system is what is and by comparison to the living standards of other countries we keep saying “we are lucky”, the foreigners that come to live here tell the Italians not to complain given what they have just escaped, so no one does, or those who do even on newspapers, just write articles about it, there are no solutions, this is accepted, people regret Mussolini, because at least at his time he was the only one stealing (if at all) so we live blissfully watching feel good movie and shows, eating great food and being enter-tained.
At the moment I live in 2 worlds, not at ease in any of the 2 yet, I have decided to stand for Life, yet I can see I am not doing everything I can, forget shaving the head, even my blogging is not as effective as it could be, I should have started an Italian blog, but I feel as I said, I lack the right words, and especially I am just knowledge and information at the beginning of being applied, so I feel I don’t have a sure standing yet to speak up, I would be an hypocrite telling others to do what I myself have not yet done, walk consistently.
Today when I read Marlen’s blogs something came up relative to how important for me is how people perceive me, I even could go back very far in my memory with regard to this meaning that I remember being a kid, going through some event and while “living ” it I was already thinking how I would tell the story to my friends, I just can’t remember exactly when I started but I remember that the 2nd wife of my grandfather on my mother’s side did not like me, probably not me ‘per se’ but she did not like having a kid around for the summer holidays, I remember this because I always ended up going out with grandad and the dog, even when he was going to play cards at the bar, he would take me along and I would spend the afternoon in a bar with only men smoking, drinking wine and playing cards, me on a chair on the side next to the dog.
I remember fearing my step grandmother, she was loud, somehow vulgar compared to my other ‘elegant’ (that’s how she liked to portray herself and how I came to believe she was) grandmother, always heavily made up with a red lipstick and dark eyes, often shouting, easy to slap, so obviously I did everything to not upset her in anyway given my already precarious position.
I don’t know why she comes to mind because in a way she was quite marginal in the family structure, her son liked me, when the 4 of us were together I felt OK protected by my grandfather and my uncle, when we were alone I lived in fear, I was afraid that she would complain about me, she always hinted something negative about my other grandmother, the first wife, until one day after she made a very negative comment about my other grandma being a ‘slut’ I pulled the tablecloth of a neatly prepared table on a summer break from school while we were on the mountains and that was it, my holidays with them were over for good, I was a teenager by then.
I saw a picture of myself recently when I was about 7 or 8, sitting at their table with my mother, I looked very suppressed, I was even afraid of expressing with my face, I looked positively dumb.
Funny that I do’t remember when I started to become dishonest and suppress who I was but I remember possibly the last time I have been honest, there is a hole in between, I was around 5 and went to the dry cleaner with my mum, she asked me a question and I replied honestly, then my mum when we left said something like ‘what were you thinking????’ I guess nothing at the time 🙂
There was another episode that put an end to my honesty for good, the nuns asked us to write a story about ‘what does mama do when I go to bed?’ of course it was meant to underline all the sacrifices mothers did when kids went to sleep, ironing, washing etcetera.
When I asked my mum she took issue with the question, like if I were a nosy brat and she replied ‘what do you think I do ? scratch my fanny ?’, so this is what I wrote on the nun’s report ‘when I go to bed my mum scratches her fanny. She was called for explanations and I got another dose of ‘what were you thinking?’, until I had to start thinking to keep myself out of troubles.
So my thinking started convoluted, it started with ‘what will they think if I say this ?’, until I learnt from adults that you did not have to say what went through your mind for real, you just had to make up something that was socially acceptable, it took me a few years to master that until I could no longer remember what was true and what I had made up.
This came up with ‘remastered /reviseted memories”, something I found on the SF thread on Facebook, I have plenty of these, of many things I can’t no longer honestly tell how they went because I know I did this, so maybe all of my memories are just made up, I can’t be sure of the facts either, imagine that, holding on to memories that aren’t possibly even true, but there they are.
I want to let go of all my past memories because I wish to become effective in this process, next thing I will tackle will be smoking cigarettes, I have not understood at all how this will affect the money system, but I understood the part of principle over preference, for sure is my preference to smoke as a point of perceived ‘taking a break’, not sure from what since I am not working at the moment, so it’s not a work break, it’s not a break from myself because I smoke AND read Desteni stuff or write myself out so it will be interesting to give up and see what comes up that I was holding on to as a point related to smoking.
I have a lot of points that have judged about myself in my life, even though I was born reasonably good looking for the standards of beauty accepted in Italy meaning tall, my face is OK, I was never ‘up there’ with the real beautiful ones, at one point I was even 25 kg overweight in my teenage years, so have had my share of body rejections, from feet to nose to what not, it’s never enough by comparison, there will always be someone more good looking, with a better body, straighter nose, smaller feet, the list is infinite, unless one day we drop it all and just stop and accept ourselves.
I have not been making up now for quite some time, I am not at all always comfortable with it, for example in 2 days we are going to Venice for a tour and I have planned to take my make up, how can one be in a hotel and not make up ? They taught me that it’s disrespectful to others to not always ‘look at your best’, meaning made up, because without make up a woman in Italy is not enough, it’s sloppy, shabby, almost dirty.
The other day when I went out with a friend and did not make up I had to justify myself on the why and eneded up apologizing, while I was doing that I thought “who the fuck is this woman, apologizing for NOT making up, having to explain why I did not ?” Many years ago he has been one of my exes, I was 26 when he was 52, and he used to work for ‘La Perla’ lingerie, one of the most expensive in the world.
He would always comment on everything I wore, as an auhority given both his age and working background in fashion, I was not into fashion at the time, I liked clothes that covered me up, never wore a skirt for fear of having crooked legs and he always tried to “groom” me like Professor Higging from My Fair Lady, he bought clothes and lingerie for me to wear, we were told it’s nice when a man does that for you, only later I started to question if it was, really ? Is it nice that a man buys you clothes to dress you up like the woman he has in his mind, not you, but a paper doll whose clothes can be changed to suit his moods. Unbelievable to say today but at the time I felt validated as a woman, he cared enough to buy me clothes !
Like Marlen I went to the other polarity, I could see I was not ‘good enough’ to be accepted on the plus polarity so I became eccentric, smoked pot, didn’t care much about my hair so I would skip the mandatory weekly hairdresser where I would instead go for colours and good cuts to then let it just be as it wished, usually pulled up so as not to have to brush it with the hairdryer every day.
As an talian I fell short on many aspects, definitely never good enough, never groomed enough especially, not good looking enough, so I developed a personality of someone interesting, a ‘good listener’ (which I was not because I had learned that pretending was good enough) mainly always concerned about how I was projecting myself.
I have improved since I met Desteni as today I can go out of the door even if I look ‘normal’ meaning not trying to be more than I am through make up and clothes nd shoes and matching bags, but I feel I still have a desire for these things, I have both now, a desire and a rejection, schizofrenic in everything I am and do still for the moment.
Now that I have given up Pot yet again, I know this time I have given up for the principle, for sure not for the preference and not yet for me, I gave up because I need to see who I am within my life without that escape, I want to stand and face what I have allowed myself to become so I can change myself to align to Oneness and Equality.
I need to do a little less of Desteni stuff because when I jump from the past interviews to the new ones, my mind questions everything looking for inconsistencies so I can confuse myself, like 3rd world war is inevitable and then today’s video on new medication for viruses talking about the Equal Money System being in place in 10 years, then I can see I confuse myself because I start to ask myself questions like how can an Equal Money System come after 3rd world war ? Who would survive the 3rd world war hence no need for an Equal Money System as we would all be gone.
And as well I have to do SF on my extensive fear of feeling bad, EXTENSIVE, as if by feeling bad I were doing something bad, now I see I am not doing something bad, but I become ineffective, so it is to acknowledge the feeling without allowing it to cripple me, there is just so much ‘bad news” about this reality I can deal with in one day, so I’ll take on board what I can handle for now until I can handle more, until I can handle it all, which would mean I have equalized with the truth of what is here, stopping myself from either desiring to feel good or fearing feeling bad, powerless and diminished by this reality that I have worked so hard so many years to not aknowledge or see thanks to the teaching of LOA that I have embraced gratefully because they told me I was right in NOT wanting to see, it was indeed BAD for me 🙂
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that telling things as they are is dangerous and that is better to make up a version of reality that is acceptable and not usetting to others
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that the truth is always upsetting
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that when a memory doesn’t fot my case I can change to make it more fitting to the image of myself I wish to portray
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that since I might have manipulated my memories I won’t be able to let them go because I no longer know what happened for real, instead I see it doesn’t matter, I should let go whatever I am holding on to real or not and happened or not
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear telling the truth about Desteni for fear of lacking the right words to express myself instead I see I need a little time to turn this knowledge into me living it consistently and then I will find the right wrds because I will be it and I will be one and equal to my words
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was not enough beautiful to fit in
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I could “correct” my appearance until it fit my cult-ure required standards of beauty
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am not enough and I require external validation about my appearance
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I need external validation to be worthy
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was/am less than women who were born more beautiful than myself
I foorgive myself for alowing myself to judge my best girlfriend because she went for plastic surgery and I felt she had given in, instead I see I judged her because secretly I desired to “correct” my nose with plastic surgery but suppressed this desire because I judged plastic surgery as bad
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge women who had plastic surgery because they did what I could not do because my eccentric out of the ordinary personality wuld not alow it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was more than women who had given in and resorted to plastic surgery to make themselves look better
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge others for their choices instead I see all judgements I made were always about myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself for desiring to have plastic surgery to corect my nose and for then denying and suppressing this desire instead of looking at it in self honesty and self forgiveness and let it go
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I need to correct my acne scars with something and that that “correction ” is allowed, instead I see I wish to make this correction because I have judged my skin extensively and not accepted myself for it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I would have accepted myself more if I had a better skin, instead I see that by holding on to this belief I’m projecting the acceptance of me into the future and not accepting me as I am now
I forgive myself fo allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally at all times regardless of the way I look because I am not a picture
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be one and equal to the desire of being a better picture than I am, instead I stop seeing myself as a picture and when I see myself judging myself for any physical reason I stop, breathe and bring myself back Here
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was better than woomen who went to the hairdresser every week
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear people’s judgement of me when I go out without make up
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge women with too much make up as vulgar and women with no make up as shabby instead I stop any judgements of others for how they look
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to have ‘good taste’ because in “having good taste” my vaue and worth increase, instead I see I don’t need to seek value and worth outside of myself when I bring myself back Here in breath
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I get confused by the Desteni material instead of seeing I’m just overdosing on it and I should instead divide my day in acquiring knowledge AND applying it instead of just keeping piling up knowledge with which I then allow myself to confuse myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I need help in walking this process because when I think I need help I make he information confusing to myself, I don’t need any help, I can stand ne and Equal with everyone else
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe it’s just too much to work out and for allowing myself to get discouraged and then wanting to take a nap because I believe I can’t handle it all, meaning I can’t handle myself instead I see I can handle myself because everyone else could and so can I
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to not see some of the atrocities going on in the world because I have worked so hard at not seeing anything disturbing through LOA that now I am scared about what I think I might feel if I allow myself to see
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am scared of the atrocities out there instead of seeing I am scared of the atrocities in me that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate into
I forgive myself for allowing myself to disregard Life in favour of a MCS that I came to accept and believe I am one and equal to
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel bad and guilty when I kill mosquitos that are sucking my blood and giving me huge bumps that hurt and last because I don’t know yet how to handle this point
I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in thoughts feelings and emotions one and equal to me, I stop my participation so I can stand One and Equal to Life and everything that exists
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I live in a lucky country by comparison to others and therefore I should not complain instead of seeing that it is my fear of becoming less lucky as a country that prevents me from complaining
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that our living conditions are OK by comparison to others that are less fortunate because by making comparisons I give a purpose to the existance of the ‘less fortunate’ instead of seeing this as unacceptable and standing up to bring lasting change to the world
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I cannot reconcile Italy and an Equal Money system, instead I see I need to equalize everything within me because it’s the change within me that will bring about a change to the world and not an external event
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for the current situation because that means taking responsibility for myself ne and Equal
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for myself instead I see that one step at the time I can stand to become One and Equal to Life and everything that exists
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the fear of taking responsibility for myself, I am not the fear of taking responsibility for myself, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical
I am Here, I breathe, I am Life