So, I am back to the apartment that is in the middle of refurbishing after leaving my mum’s home.
My mum’s home is everything fake you can imagine, pastel colours, a fireplace that she had built but she doesn’t use because she would have to clean it otherwise, fake flowers, fake plants, fake cartoon characters that remind her how life is in truth magical and lovely, fairies, little animals from the woods, anything that is not real to support the illusion of ‘Well Being’.
I know I am in the middle of a personal storm, talking to my mum is becoming difficult and an effort, as I used to agree to everything she said, looking for reasons to appreciate our predesigned placement in the world, as the ‘lucky ones’, this is why she resents me at the moment pointing out anything about this system of inequality that I have accepted and allowed equal and one to myself, when I bring this back to self, this is why I resent myself bringing up anything that rocks my sense of having been born ‘lucky’ within a system where luck is rare, I resent the facing of reality that this process is about.
This morning we walked down to the river, we saw a family with 2 retarded children, I didn’t comment because I see I’m on the verge of questioning everything and making everyone uncomfortable along the way and because I still carry guilt for having been the one pointing out how we should ‘always look at the bright side of life’, she was the one saying ‘wow, both children have problems’ I heard the backchat going ‘yes this is your Good God taking care of the details of life for everyone on the planet’ but did not speak.
I spoke instead about an electric central designed at the beginning of last century, she said ‘it’s beautiful’ but I could no longer see the ‘Beauty as an Absolute’ as I don’t know how one century ago people who had to make that happen, like the pyramids, felt about it, is the struggle of some that ‘serve us’ beautiful just because it appeases a ‘beauty sense’ that was programmed into us ? I don’t know, I just said ‘I cannot see ”absoulte beauty’ anymore there are no absolutes but opinions, and I felt I pissed her off when she went quiet and silently annoyed, come on, why don’t I want to play the game of ‘thanks God we are so lucky’ anymore, freaking maddening especially when you see we are REALLY lucky ? 🙂
I had an Ok weekend with my mum, we had a small bickering about her wanting to teach me ‘when is the car’s petrol cap really closed’ and I said ‘it’s not like I have to take a university class, once the cap doesn’t come off, it’s close for me’ but we had to call the petrol cap authority at the petrol station because honestly how can one have the ‘wisdom’ to work out basic stuff like that by themselves ? The authority that puts the approval seal seems to be always needed. It did not blow into the usual ‘out of proportion thingy’ as I’m becoming aware that it’s me just resenting still being taught at 47 years of age, because I allow myself to feel ‘incompetent’ and thus worth less than the competent ones, the petrol cap authorities that can say with the given knowledge: ‘it’s close, you are safe to go’.
As well I discovered I fear heights, we were walking on a bridge with a low handrail and I felt dizzy, this was a revelation because I was used to wear ‘my fearless personality’ for so long that I never noticed I was actually afraid of heights, so applied self forgiveness on this fear and had to wonder how many other fears I just hold and have suppressed and hid under my ‘fearless personality’ ?
I left to come back to Milan, my neighbour called to say she noticed something strange at the door, someone put the cleaning broom under my entrance handle, she called me to tell me this because I asked her back the copy of my entrance keys to give to the workers, she did the exact same thing last year as well, I was not angry because I understand she wants me to be here, in case something happens to her husband who is sick, and because when I was a kid I used to do the same kind of shit so I see where she is coming from, self interest is always overriding what is best for all at the moment, it is for me at least, so it must be for everyone else surrounding me as well, One and Equal to what I have accepted and allowed One and Equal to me.
When I came home I listened to ‘The Design of Infinity’, wow, the story of not being more than ‘a washing machine’ hit home particularly hard, my mum bought the cheapest Chinese washing machine a few years ago, it cost 6 times less than the Italian or 10 times less than the German brands, but still it does all the washing perfectly and it sings a song once she is done, a Chinese Heavenly song :), she never had to repair it nor had any complains about it, which means one washing machine is one and equal to another, there are no BETTER washing machine but in our minds.
So, being Equal to a washing machine was the lowest point of my day, read Maite’s blog about ‘this being her last life’ and it was another eye opener, on how I personally struggle with the idea of doing ‘all this’ for something I might not even see and who gives a fuck since I’m just going to die and be deleted, but this is just a washing machine talk and what else could I expect from a washing machine ?
And so this is the challenge, can I drop my washing machine identity, stop living in cycles from cleaning to rinsing and stand up for what is best for all?
Funny thing is I know I can, that there is something inside of me that can do that because I see that my very participation in washing cycles and believing something needs to be washed clean from the Original Sin is what this has all been about, I just resent not having someone leaving a stone to remember me by, to make me special, even after death.
Can I drop my dreams and wants even though noone will ever make a fuss about it, not even me, just because I see that any other thing I do is just meaningless ?
I was once a washing machine with a maid 🙂 My maid thought and believed she was less than me, a washing machine because I was born equal to a Miele, German made, or Ariston, Italian made, the best, by popular belief and she was just a Philipino washing machine, she had no market value, no access to the Money game 🙂
It’s a big step, because some of us believed they were nothing all their life, I thought I was something because there were people who believed to be less than me and I met them and hired them and treated them with ‘equality’ withing the inequality game and kept the CON going.
But this is just the game /design of infinity that I have kept going one and equal to me, to support my delusions to be more than Life itself, so I could give myself the value of being a better washing machine than the lesser ones that accepted that their value was less than me, because they had less access to the money system than myself.
I’m hurt by this, my Ego weeps, I had it sweet comparatively, and as my mum always poins out, ‘we are the lucky ones’ so what the fuck are you sour about ?
But I know now what I’m sour about, I’m sour about me, for what I have accepted and allowed to be manifested into existence because of my need want and desire to be more than others so I would not have to be less.
Coming back to Italy has been a challenge, I have become Equal, to all other Italians, there is no longer anything exotic about me, anything to make me more.
My mother was ‘ashamed ‘ of me for the past week end because I look so mismatched, no make up, all colours mixed together, she told me ‘it’s so unlike you’ and today she even asked me to comb my hair, a total new thing, because when I don’t -comb my hair- I make her less than when I do and look neat and tidy, after all when I was ‘more than her’ it was better, she is discovering now, at least she could pride herself of having such a daughter, that could match colours and always look tip top when she could not, facing the ‘lesser me’ is throwing her off balance too.
But there is another way, we could all just will ourselves to STOP, the ‘being less/being more’ game, attributing to each other more or less value according to what clothes we wear, the food we eat, the money we make, the education we have, and remember this, washing machines are not comparing themselves to each other, my mother’s Chinese washing machine is NOT going to the psychiatrist because the German ones have a more positive feedback, she just keeps going and doing what she was designed for, above comparison, a skill we have not yet developed in full.
So, I have to say this, we at the moment are LESS than washing machines as we are still lost within the comparison game, we could start by taking a hint from the washing machines of the world, being Here, doing what is Best for All at all times.
Let’s clean up this mess, I am an Italian washing machine, you probably are not if you are reading this in English, anyone cares ? 🙂
Then, when we have cleaned the mess we may start again, as Equals, playing a whole different ball game, where Self Expression rules and there won’t be any more racial, religious, national, cultural confinements to tell us what Self Expression is all about.
Join us in the cleaning up at www.desteni.co.za and investigate an Equal Money System at www.equalmoney.org to stop the abuses and inequalities of this world and stand All as One and Equal for what is Best for All.