Lucifer, the brightest of Angels !
I have been busy studying the History of Mankind by Desteni, lesson 4.
I had already gone through all of it but now I’m not as fearful as I was at the beginning and I can hear it better than I did at the beginning, I could do no more than 3 stories a day, I seem to get so tired and for sure it’s due to my resistance to this information, I’d rathered listen to stories of ‘good’ stuff, happy endings, love and light and that in truth we were all good, even if we seemed a little mischievous now and then.
Now that I am walking the Desteni process some days I am angry, some days I’m sad, happiness is nowhere to be seen anymore, reality is not a happy place for me at the moment and maybe this is what real is about and why so many are resisting fiercely reality and having to face it.
Last night I finished HOM lesson 4, the last one I think was about Anu and when Jack said he is truly a magnificent being and he will get over his disappointment for having had his plan fucked up by the portal, I wanted to smack Jack, what do you mean he is truly a magnificent being, hello, look at this fucking design, so much suffering, never mind he has to realize what he has done to himself One and Equal to everything that exists, he did not have to live it out for Eons, the fucker, did he ?
So that was the note I left the videos at, real anger, then I saw that whatever the cause of the anger it’s still just me giving it Life, breathing life into it, which only increased the anger as I realized we seem to be fucked any which way, what a cunning plan.
And then I dwelled in the idea that it’s just not fair, it’s like having come into a game with no memory, no skills, no idea why we are here, being brainwashed from the beginning and expected to get the fuck out of it by some chance meeting on the internet with the Portal, what about everyone else ? So fucking unfair, then I saw that the unfairness construct is just another enslaving concept because if every thought was coded and charged with some particular emotion, this could be the ultimate fuck up, imagine you start to play around with the idea that all this was a con, then you would be overwhelmed by feelings of rage and outrage and unfairness..and would lose anyway swallowed by the thoughts and emotions you allowed yourself to accept and allow within you, within me, within the Mind one just can’t win, a clever plan indeed.
I am coming to terms with this, really, that I will never be able to get out of this through the mind, some might think this is daft and where was I and what was I listening to since this was spelled out perfectly clear from the beginning, but this too must be part of this process, the futile attempt to work one’s way out of the mind through the mind, because if one has only been a mind it’s difficult to see any other way out, stop, breathe, self forgive this absurd participation, the mind is not a solution, whichever way one can twist it and bend it, it is in the very design of the mind the winning and losing and we have been losing for eons now, obviously this process is designed to make us realize just that, give up the mind or lose again and again and again.
And this is how we come to accept and allow it all, because within the mind we can only try to win for self, gasping to make it out of this nightmare that we have tried so hard to not see, by taking drugs, drinking, having “fun’, enter-taining ourselves with feel good stories and happy endings, hoping that tomorrow shall be better while tomorrow never comes and we lose sight of what needs to be done, what is best for all one and equal to each one of us.
Yesterday I read an article on the most widespread Italian newspaper “Corriere della Sera” regarding the Pope talking about guardian angels, they were reminding us the whole story, that I thought I had forgotten, of The Guardian Angel. The story goes that everyone has a Guardian Angel assigned at birth, some saints, the article said, used to stop before entering a door to allow the guardian angel to walk in first. The role of the guardian angel was to assist and protect, he was the middle man between us and the Good Lord, the assistant who was always on top of it, reporting back on when and where assistance was needed.
Of course only Christians had one apparently, now that I am reviewing all my beliefs and why and how I could possibly believe such idiotic stories I have seen these points while reading this article that I never saw before.
So, a guardian angel was assigned at birth to every Christian only ? So why were the non Christians allowed to be born at all if they were to be deprived of such an important guidance and assistance as the Guardian Angel? And were we not born into a specific family not by choice but by destiny, meaning God decided where and to whom we would be born, so God himself decided at birth that some would be Christians and some would not, so some would be lucky and some could just fuck off.
And what about the reborn Christians ? Would they miss out on the Guardian Angel because they were not assigned one at birth and then it was too late to change their mind and get one because the available Guardian Angels were all already taken ?
Or would they still get one, not a class A, guardian angel, a B series, one with no wings like the one in “Life is wonderful ” by Frank Capra, Clarence ?
And isn’t it strange that some were born into a life of misery with no guidance or assistance by the will of God and how does that fit in with the definition of a “Good Lord “, condemning some at birth to a life of misery and suffering ?
Or was God not in charge of the Guardian Angels, they were a legion of self employed crazy lunatics and everyone no matter Christian or not was given one at birth, without any supervision, but some were just too fucking incompetent to hold that job and they should have been fired after their first failed assistance ?
Where was God when abuse happened to the ones that were defenseless, how did I even believe there was a Good God taking care of it all and that some things we might not comprehend now but one day they would make sense.
Because they don’t, many one days have come and gone and brutal suffering still seems senseless, the goodness of God has to be questioned, especially when we realize we were made ‘in the image and likeness of God”, because if that was the original blueprint, we must carry some pretty fucked up stuff ourselves and we will keep carrying it until we stop and say ’til Here no further, stand up , take responsibility and change to what is best for all, which will entail having to walk backward and forgive our participation within this system of abuse of what we have accepted and allowed so that we may walk away from our blueprint, from our Creator and the guardian angels, the Fockers, them, us, the whole lot until we say STOP.
Yesterday I tiptoed into the PF and read some backlogged chats, many points were raised that made me see more clearly about “acceptance and allowance” and what this really means.
If I apply this to everything I wrote today I can see that my acceptance and allowance of my anger for Anu, Jack and the plan is just my acceptance and allowance that I am a victim of this situation, if I am a victim, I am not Equal and thus I am not the Creator of this reality but just an user/ab-user, an abnormal user of this reality by my own allowance and acceptance of having been duped and fucked beyond redemption and this cannot be the solution.
My acceptance and allowance of the belief in guardian angels and God is about my own abdication, my acceptance of me as a powerless frail being that needs assistance, because I am too dumb to work out what is best for all so in the mean-time I can be told what’s best for me and just do it with the blessing of the Focker God and his assistants.
My acceptance and allowance in the belief of guardian angels supports this system of inequality where apparently only some deserve to be assisted while others don’t, a belief I have accepted and allowed because it made me feel special, a chosen one, because I needed to be assisted and kept from the evil of th world that I came to accept and allow one and equal to my own belief in the need for protection, deliver me from evil, while others, the less fortunate, well, they must be less fortunate for some reason, they pissed God off and I did not, I made sacrifices for God, told plenty rosaries in the month of May to appeal to the mother of his son too, had my confirmation wearing a nun dress instead of a glitzy one which was what I desired, all to please God, went to Spiritual gatherings of Catholics, sang the new prayer songs while friends played the guitar because we were breathing new Life into the Church, singing about the value of suffering and how that makes us better, I accepted and allowed that we were less than the Creator, less than the Guardian Angels, than Mother Mary and all the Saints who seemed to be better than me at suffering and dying for God while I was scared shitless of both.
I accepted and believed that the Catholic Church was our Mother, thus more than me, that I had to confess my sins and receive absolution by a proper priest who was better and more than me, qualified to talk to God while I was nothing, the scum of the scum of the Earth, we had a special prayer that disgusted me physically that said, I’m not worthy of your Love, I repent and I suffer because I have deserved your punishment, even though I did not even know what I did and what I was punished for.
So to God and the Guardian Angels and the Saints and Martyrs and Mother Mary and the Priests and the Mother Catholic Church, I say, I have met the Fockers, bowed to them, feared them, respected them kneeled to them and prayed to them and the world is still the same shit hole that it was before I did any of these things, so much for the Holy intervention.
I now stand up for World Equality, One and Equal to everything that exists, standing equal to God and his devious plans, to stop me as the Mind, to stop my participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings, in the desire to be more than others for fear of being less, I stand, I am Here, I breathe, I am One and Equal, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel sad when I watch stories about how we as humanity came about because when I accept and allow myself to feel sad I am powering this system of inequality and abuse, there are no worthy feelings, any feeling and emotion is a charge that powers this system that I am now willing myself to stop
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that if I am human I must feel sad for my fellow human beings instead I see this is just another idea that I play with in my mind to justify my participation in emotions and feelings because I have allowed myself to accept and believe that emotions and feelings are who I really am and I rather feel Sad and justify myself than not feel anything
I forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from everything that is Here and for perceiving others as others rather than others as Self
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am separated from everything that exists instead of realizing that when I am breathing Here I cannot be separate because everything is Here one and equal to me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the sadness I feel when I think about who we are and what was our purpose on planet Earth because I accept and allow myself to feel duped and fucked instead of realizing that if I allow myself to feel duped and fucked I am one and equal to being duped and fucked
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I want to smack Jack for calling Anu ‘a magnificent being’ because I allowed myself to feel angered and outraged at our history instead of realizing I wanted to smack Jack because I see that Jack has forgiven and I have not yet since I would like to send Anu for eons to live on Earth AND THEN forgive him, which means my forgiveness is conditional to the punishment I think he deserves and thus not real
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe such a fuck up cannot be forgiven because in accepting that some things cannot be forgiven, no matter how BAD I judge them to be, I accept that some things of me cannot be forgiven as well, One and Equal
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe in my own judgements of good and bad instead of seeing that every time I want to label something as good or as bad, I’m of the Mind and thus not Here in Breath where I can make a real difference
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that somethings I have said and done and participated in cannot be forgiven instead I see that everything can be self forgiven when self forgiveness is absolute to myself and to others one and equal to me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the sadness that I feel when I allow myself to accept and to think about having abused verbally my ex husband as I have believed to have been abused and for thinking that I have lost value in his eyes due to my erratic behaviour instead of seeing I have lost value in my own eyes due to the judgements I have made about myself and my erratic behaviour that I have not yet forgiven myself for and that I see playing out when my mother goes crazy because she believes she has lost value in my eyes beyond redemption
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I have lost value beyond redemption for some words I have spoken in anger to my ex husband because I meant to use words to devalue him while I only devalued myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I have devalued myself because of the words I have spoken in anger like my mother instead I see I can forgive myself and my mother one and equal and start again using my words in self responsibility and self honesty no longer to harm myself and others but as Self expression of me Here as Breath
I forgive myself for allowing myself to prefer fairy tales and happy endings to reality because of the way they made me feel because within this I have accepted and allowed the belief that feeling good is better than feeling bad and implicitly that feeling is in any way important, instead I now see that feeling is not real, only being Here in Breath is real
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I had a guardian angel, accepting and allowing myself to believe that I needed a guardian and someone who would assist me during the hard times, and within this accepting that the hard times were a given of this reality that I came to accept and believe to be the way things are
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that there was value in suffering because I was shown that the ones that suffered the most and were martyred through extreme pain and suffering were rewarded, instead I now see that it was all bullshit taught to keep me in line within a system of abuse and suffering that made no sense at all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the shame that I feel for having bowed and kneeled and pledged to have favours from God for myself accepting through these actions that I should only worry about myself and not about others who would have to do their own praying, bowing, kneeling and pledging
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that God was great and more than me even though the suffering in this world was obvious and senseless but I rathered not look at it in fear I myself would have to suffer
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the fear of suffering for others like martyrs and saints did
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that mother Mary was more than me because she was a virgin even after giving birth and that was unmatchable
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was less than virgin martyrs because they not only accepted to suffer but they were virgins too and thus more than me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe it was nice to have a monk as a friend that would say mass just for my family until he tried to molest me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the anger that I felt for the whole catholics after the monk friend of my family tried to molest me and then I could no longer beLIEve in their honesty and integrity
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was disgusted by the Catholics and their hypocrisy while I see I was disgusted by myself and my own hypocrisy of not wanting to see the obvious system of enslavement and abuse offered by religion
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that we were here to learn some lessons that I didn’t even know or could remember what lesson was that I was learning, instead I now see that this is not possible and just a make belief I have bought into and breathed life into to give my life some meaning when I could not see any meaning for being on this planet at all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to be free and for allowing myself to accept and believe I was one and equal to the desire to be free, thus accepting that I was not free accepting and allowing and confirming my state as a slave on this planet
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to have a guardian angel to look after me and to accept and believe I was the desire to have a guardian angel even though it was obvious that not everyone had one but I did not care as long as I was taken care of
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that guardian angels existed to look after us human accepting and allowing the belief that I was powerless and hopeless and needed guidance and assistance
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that guardian angels were good and sent by God to protect human beings, when I could see that some human beings were far from being taken care of but it did not matter as long as I was
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I’m a slave and will never be able to buy my freedom back because I have accepted and allowed myself to sell myself out to fears, thoughts, emotions and feelings, instead I see none of these are real or who I really am, One and Equal as Life
so I start by stopping myself as the Mind, I stand, I breathe, I am One and Equal, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical