2012: Why did I decide to walk with Desteni

I have asked this question to myself several times, especially at the beginning of this process, mainly because I perceived process to be a chore, something that would have taken everything from me in terms of commitment and application, something that, coming from a Catholic, background, I first associated with atonement, penance self-flagellation style and I resisted it with a passion (passion=suffering :)).

The first reason that brought me to Desteni was FEAR, I had developed an utter Fear for this reality realizing that nothing was what it seemed and that the awakening was not at all what it was cracked up to be, the awakening was just waking up to the utter abuse and destruction that was going on in this world, starting from myself.

My first post on the Desteni Forum said “do you people realize how much Fear you are spreading with your message ??”, and I meant it in CAPITAL LETTERS, because this is what I felt when I found them, I had woken up in a reality that was far from Love and Light, I had tried to slide back into my positive thinking stance unsuccessfully and then Desteni, after hearing their message at first I even went to a Shaman, to try to take their message out from me, like a curse, I had been cursed into self responsibility and now the curse – and not my refusal to stand up -was eating up my Life.

In one clear sentence, I moved into Desteni with much resistance, NOT to the message but to the task, I hated the idea of having to become Self responsible, first because I was not even close to believing I could EVER be a Self Responsible being, second because so much of me was invested (and so much money was spent) in support of utter bullshit that made me feel good that I perceived Desteni would be my undoing, in terms of stability, I perceived that while I had always walked the thin line of crazy, if I did join them that would be it, I would turn into a total nutter.

The first reply I got from one of the people on the Forum was ‘ we are NOT spreading Fears, Humanity has been living in fear forever, we are merely pointing this out’, don’t shoot the messenger…

But I knew different, when I would listen to Bernard’s vlogs, his voice scared the shit out of me (only later I saw he literally scared MY fear/shit OUT OF ME), it’s interesting to look back now because I kept going back for more, some of his messages I couldn’t even understand, it was like I lacked a common sense vocabulary to HEAR what he was really saying never mind understanding the purpose of why he was saying what he said in such a passionate way.

I brought my polarity mindset all the way into Desteni, I would listen to Bernard and get scared shitless and utterly terrified and then I would listen to Sunette Spies and find some balance again, it was like the bad cop good cop game, one gave  it to me typhoon style, the other helped me pick up the pieces after the devastation I perceived in the post-Bernard moments, at the time Sunette was almost always expanding on the brief shocking vlogs of Bernard and I found I wanted both, the shock and the leniency of the aftershock.

I pushed myself to go through the material, I had already realized I was a system and many of my studies were in that direction, in fact a specific direction, why a system can’t change, what is the driving force behind all of this existence, because I could actually see myself switching personalities and being driven into action, words, thoughts by them, I was a car at full speed with no one at the driving seat.

Not to talk about Equal Money, in fact at the beginning Equal Money was my biggest bugaboo, I didnt’ understand it, I didn’t see how it could be possible, I just received it as a mere wish to put on my wish list of unattainable things.

One day I read on the Forum ‘you cannot understand Equal Money without Self Forgiveness and Self Honesty’, this too took me a while to place into a contest I could first understand and then experience.

Given my background brainwashing I carried huge resistance for the ‘Self Forgiveness ‘ approach, I read everything offered about it, I tried to clear the Self Forgiveness tool through self forgiveness, but the lists of Self Forgiveness on the Forum looked disturbing, like self-flagellation in action, exposing all of yourself for a life review for which you took the blame, for which you declared how faulty and disgusting you  had been. I joined in, I had my own list to share, it felt humbling and even humiliating at times, I was nowhere close to ‘feeling good’ through process even though by then I had understood that feelings and emotions were polarity expressions of the Mind, I still longed to feel good because ‘feeling good’ had been my driving quest for over 20 years, this was a bit of a hard habit to kick but the freer I become from feelings and emotions the more stable I perceive myself, no longer on the swing from feeling bad to feeling good, what a bloody relief !

It took me a while to understand Self Forgiveness in itself, in general I can say it took me a while to understand the process because it’s only recently that I got it as a point I have actually walked into through self directing myself to just STOP for real, and that’s when I got it and saw some changes because it was never about the blame and about self-flagellation, nope, that was what I was doing before process, it was about standing up and stopping it all, Self Forgiveness  was the delete/reset button of the system, for-giving me back to me from the separation I had allowed and accepted as me, because it was such separation that made me sick and self abusive, because separation implies you don’t want to take back ALL of you into you and correct it, because you still hold extensive judgements about Yourself that you have not yet forgiven, integration and wholeness  cannot happen in self judgement, self forgiveness was the self judgement/others judgement removal tool, it was to clean the slate for real, so I could rewrite on a blank slate who I want to be, what I want to support, what do I stand for.

As well self forgiveness gave me a tool to stop abusing myself and others, a tool that I am still using because as a system much in me is still automated in the process of being corrected, at the beginning of this process I made a few miss-takes, I had just switched polarity, I went from an absolute positive thinker to a lousy negative wreck, looking at myself like if I were the scum of the earth until I realized, I have not yet left the building, the Matrix, it’s about getting out of this construct as me, the Mind, because within the Mind I exist ONLY in polarity, there is no chance for me to wrestle my mind to the ground, I have to embrace me, not what I thought about me, not what I believed about me, but embrace me the thinker, the emotional reactor, embrace the separation until it dissolves and I can equalize myself inside with the outside.

Just recently process has become easier for me, I finally got it, it’s the very opposite of self-flagellation, it’s about stopping the self-flagellation by for-giving myself and from there start to walk self honestly no longer in self-interest but with a leading principle, to consider all existence, One and Equal to myself. I can say looking back that this was what self honesty and self forgiveness did for me, they made me realize how much hate I had for myself, for the way I lived and the words I spoke and my interactions with others, only when I saw it exposed clearly I could begin to stop.

It’s about stop believing that I am more because I feel less or feeling less and then desiring to be more, when I breathe and I am Equal to everything and everyone else, the struggles fall, the mind tantrums stop and I catch a break, and it’s in these breaks that I caught because of what Desteni taught me that I have started to Breathe again. Literally.

The reason why I stuck with them is because even when I was a demented addict I could not discount their message, it’s so simple, give what you would like to receive, embrace all Life as You and you will be All Life, One and Equal, what’s there to NOT SUPPORT in the Message of Equality?

Ultimately I stuck with Desteni because nothing else made sense, if the message doesn’t include Oneness and Equality it  cannot be real, if we are One we must be Equal, if we are Equal we must be One, all the other teachings are just lip service to the religion of self in self-interest and in separation from everything that exists.

So for those drawn to Desteni that fear like I did about what you will lose, what you will have to give up, the answer is NOTHING, NO THING you will give up was ever real, NO THING you will give up was ever useful and best for all, in fact those were the very things that kept us enslaved, separation is a bitch, it’s through separation that we got where we are today, if we had remembered our Oneness and Equality we would have never done to each other what we did.

Some parts of us are struggling and suffering, it doesn’t need to be this way, we can give ourselves back to ourselves to become the whole that is One and Equal to Life, the suffering must stop inside each one of us, the wars, the conflicts, the blame, the hatred, when we begin to realign to what is best for all we stop all delusions of separations and we HEAL and the world Heals one and Equal to us.

Equal Money is just the next common sense step, it was born out of looking for a way to uplift the One and Equal with one strategic common sense move, giving Equal Access to Money, the Living God that grants access to all resources, to everyone Equally, it would be the fastest easiest way to accomplish this because the infrastructures are already in place, it’s the source/value of the Money system that must change, when Money Equals Life and Life becomes the Capital that invests in the planet that’s when real change can happen, profit won’t be based in self-interest anymore, profit will be what each of us will receive for our investment in Life One and Equal, we will all live in abundance and we will be proud of the world we will have built and will leave behind.

Don’t leave Money to your children and your loved Ones, leave them a Better World, that is Real Love in Action that considers the Best for All in Equality and Oneness.

Support the practical solution that will bring all the pieces back together, Stand up for Life One and Equal.

Desteni

Equal Money

Eqafe

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4 comments on “2012: Why did I decide to walk with Desteni

  1. Anna Brix Thomsen says:

    AWESOME BLOG! Thanks Elonora!

  2. Marlen says:

    Fascinating testimony of how self-transformation is possible when we take the decision to make Life in Equality the directive principle in our living.

    Awesome! Thanks for sharing, Eleonora

  3. True, True, When i begun my process i was thinking so much about that point, if i want to just runaway, why am I always returning to hear them? lol

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