2012: Nothing that happens inside of me can be blamed on others

It has taken me some time to make this realization mine, meaning at some level I got it from the beginning when I joined the Desteni Process, but it was just knowledge and information.

I was comfortable with knowledge and information given I have accumulated truckloads within my lifetime and so when I met Desteni at the beginning I treated everything they said just as how I treated everything I have done before, the difference was that within this process there was work to do, still I filed it as knowledge and information, isn’t that what we do with information, file it for future use.

All the philosophies I had met until then showed me there was nothing I had to do,  I liked that a lot, they said I was already Divine, The Source, I just had to ‘bask in bliss’, follow ‘my bliss’, ‘think positive and stay positive’ and that was it.

The problem came when I started to have troubles generating the ‘blissful feeling’ I was supposed to follow, because let’s face it, everything that happens inside of me is generated by me, it must be, since there is only me doing the thinking inside of me that generates the feelings I experience. Even Law of Attraction tells you that your feelings are generated by your thoughts, so why is it we can take the credit for being positive thinkers and then blame others when we are feeling shitty ?

When I met Desteni they suggested and stated clearly that ‘I had to stop the thinking‘ to realize what I was generating and then living out as a consequence of my thinking, plus they said, you have to take response-ability for what happens inside of you.

This sucked big time, first because the aspect that ‘there was work to do’ was obvious, no matter how hard I tried the ‘filing for future use’  it bugged me, because it was not file-able knowledge since the message was constant and consistent about ‘the work that had to be done’ and as well because I had designed myself in a way that worked for me within the World Accepted Blaming Game, I could always blame another, it started with my family, they taught me that I was responsible for how they felt around me, I believed it, and so then I made them responsible for how I felt around them, logical isn’t it ?

But it was not true for them and it was not true for me, I was not responsible for how they felt around me and they were not responsible for how I felt around them, how could they be response-able if it’s up to me to respond, if the response is coming from me how can they take response-ability for it ?

Now that I write it out it seems maddening but it’s true, all of us believe this, and since I designed myself around these experiences of blame, my life became a blaming game.

We then grow up, that’s the ‘fun’ part about ‘life’, because we just grow up literally, we become another size but we don’t change the imprinting at the base of how we behave, we just become better at placing blame, more subtle, more convoluted, more sly in the way we place the blame on others using the right mix of words that will allow us to believe that we are NOT in fact doing “that thing” we so hated when our parents did it to us.

So we become an upgraded version of our parents, we beat them at their own game, we outsmart them in the blame game, we grow to build our outsmarting vocabulary as a life purpose because we understood this is what everybody is doing so we better get good at it.

Recently I have seen this very clearly within myself, when I tell my life story I have to be very careful to not move automatically within me as the Mind into this particular personality because it’s a clever personality, sometimes I can con-vince myself that it’s true what me/she says, I can see the pity path she is laying out with flare for me to walk and I have to do like when you go for cross-country skiing, for those that never tried, cross-country skiing is done by putting your sky inside a predefined track, which is about 10 cm deep, then you just push yourselves within the tracks with your sticks.

If you see you wish to change track you need to stop, lift your foot one at the time out of the track and move into the fresh snow (which requires some strength) to go and join another track.

In this process I feel this way, the stopping of the automated behaviour is exactly like changing track on the cross-skiing field, the difference is that you have to keep moving on the fresh snow, the one that is trackless because this is what self-expression is all about, it’s about threading a new path for yourself where there was no path and you cannot use the same tracks again because life never repropones exactly the same scenario, so you will have to move out of the tracks into fresh snow every single time and just learn the fresh snow skiing as a way to move, through an act of self-will that leads to self-expression.

At the moment I am still moving out of tracks, I guess if I were really cross skiing they would send someone to talk to me to explain how cross skiing is done, because I would look quite demented trying to move out of the easy tracks continuously and skiing on the fresh snow which is how I feel often during process for the time being, due to my own judgement that ‘I don’t know what I am doing’ which is exactly the point, I am de-menting myself, in the literal sense of the word, taking my mind out of the equation of how I approach everything in life and this feels a bit disconcerting and totally new.

I have 2 examples I am living in the moment, 1, the redefinition of my relationship with my mother or who I am within it, all considering, meaning the time that I had invested until now in who I was within that relationship, I can see I have moved stuff quiet fast, still I have a feeling of lostness, because she doesn’t want to communicate with the new me, funny because this is the first time in my life when I no longer see her responsible for all my shit, so it would be the best time to try out our new relationship but she has closed the door. I know it’s temporary and I catch myself wanting to feel disconcerted as a sort of a duty, as a good daughter facing this kind of conundrum should feel, but it’s not real, I do it because I fear feeling guilty for my ‘lack of feelings ‘ toward her, like I should feel sorry but I don’t BUT I should. So for now I am doing nothing, not out of spite, just because I don’t know what to do, I have opened the door and said’ then get in touch when you want to see me’ and left it at that. When I see thoughts coming up about how displeased she is at me and how I know it, I stop myself and tell myself I have not pushed her away and I am here as I said to her in case she needs anything but I don’t want to participate in who I was, I have just closed that door, the door of recrimination and explanation that will lead to me possibly engaging in useless lengthy explanations on ‘how come I am not struggling while I KNOW how BAD she feels’ since I don’t have an explanation she can hear at the moment except that since I no longer blame her I  have given up not only mine but her asserted right to blame me for how she feels and so when she blames me I don’t feel anything anymore, I feel more surprised than angry at both of us and how could we ever believe that bullshit about another ‘making us feel anything’ without our acceptance and participation and this is not what she is fishing for. So I understand this is a time of adjustment where patterns will have to drop on both sides because patterns are kept alive by 2 sides crocheting the same design with 2 crochets and if one drops the crochet the thread falls apart.

Point 2, my new job, I am designing a new project for a company that I can see it could be very successful because it covers many niches I have identified within the Italian market that could do with some organizing help for the internationalization of their products. In this I face a few points of beliefs of faults within the system that I am now using to bring back to myself, the main points were, can’t trust the system, fear of the system, won’t be able to access the European funds because everyone is dishonest and corruption is rampant so they designed the system just to play among themselves, and the new relationship with my potential business partner.

So the first points were quite clear I don’t trust myself, I fear myself, I fear the system as myself because in the past I have made up rules and ways to always have the upper hand, so I applied self forgiveness while I was approaching these specific offices on these points and I found, surprisingly, that I had a lot of unexpected help once I cleared myself as the system and got a lot of important information and have already booked myself into step 1 that will take place next Tuesday for the procedure of accessing funds for new entrepreneurial activities since I had already done my homework and seen I fit into ALL of the requirements for new enterprises funding, like being a woman over 45, unemployed, with a good entrepreneurship idea in the service field.

My new girlfriend and potential business partner is another story, first she has the same name of my ex best girlfriend, which in itself felt like a point I have to face still, like something was left to clear about that, even though I have done a lot of clearing and her name doesn’t bring up reactions so much anymore, but the interesting thing is how we both entered into our automatic roles, I the leader and she the assistant. I know why this is happening because as I stated before, women in Italy are groomed only for ‘assistant’ roles, so while I developed leadership roles abroad, outside of the Italian pattern, she has not yet had that chance. Interesting because I did not push her into this role as I want an equal partnership and I have no doubt she would be willing to put in the same amount of time, but we did not have to talk about what were our roles as she has already assumed somewhere in her mind that I am the boss. I still did not feel more than her, I felt that we were both doing equally what each one of us does best, and this was interesting because I have seen how much judgements of roles I have removed and how less bothered by simple tasks I am. One thing though almost bothers me, I know she is not in process and so I will have to be the one bringing out everything in the open about every aspect of the business and what we expect from each other and what kind of company would be best. At the moment all the planning I have done has been equally in the interest of both and in the interest of the company and how can we make it work, I saw that I have not in my mind played any game of how I can have more or how to take advantage of the situation for myself and it has been an interesting exercise for me to consider for the first time how to create a structure where everybody wins, suppliers, clients and both of us and what is best for All too, because this is what I am good at and there is no reason to discard everything in process but just to reset all the starting points so that what is best for All is considered.

In this I considered, that what is best for me is to get back into the system since I know how to do that, to design a company with consideration of all parts involved where no one is abused, of course this has to bear in mind that we are all still living and working within an abusive system, because in reality, until we change the Capitalistic model into a model that supports All Equally we live the abuse, but if I am not able to support myself I live the abuse as me cutting myself out from the very system that if I instead approach as the system I can live as me and change as me as I go along.

Meanwhile it’s clear to me that we at Desteni need Money, we need Money to make the message heard, to go public in a way that can reach the ones that have not heard this opportunity for change as well and I cannot contribute effectively unless I do what I know how to do, which is designing businesses that work within this current business model, so the point that many of us will have to face is how do we reconcile our self-righteousness about NOT wanting to participate in the system with changing the system ? Because I have faced this point for a few months, while I moved around shuffling my feet and thinking ‘I don’t want to participate anymore in this sick game‘ instead of saying I am the sick game that needs changing and there is nothing outside of me but my accepted and allowed reality.

So, as part of my process of pulling my socks up and get moving once I had made up my mind things started to roll, for the first time in months one person, in the specific this woman approached me at the GYM and she was an expert in Fears (interesting misspelling I meant Fairs, even though I can see at the moment she is an expert in Fears too :)) and Exhibition which will be one of the key points of my new business, plus she has been kicked out of a very high level position within the public administration and knows all the people who move the system in Milan, while I have knowledge of international business and how to make it all work.

So, when we pull our socks up and make decisions about participating in the game it’s not that life changes, I change and the system as me changes to move the cards that I need to play, it was my decision not to play, this is an important point that many of us will face regarding having an occupation, I have really liked one of Avery’s post about selling being an honourable business, because this is the key, nothing is as it is without us being who we are, so when I become honourable I can only build an honourable business as a reflection of me as Life, as wanting to take everyone into consideration because the world will not change by us taking on the Desteni information and pointing fingers at everything and everyone out there, that’s just the blaming game all over again with a clever twist, we made it ‘Desteni’ certified, so now we have added one layer of fuckedupness to the whole story, we have turned into Desteni warriors, but still war it is.

Instead it is about taking the information provided, stopping the pointing fingers to the system because this is still separation, instead accepting the system as one as me, stopping the fear and educating ourselves on how to move effectively, no longer as antagonist in war, but as partners in change, where what I do reflects who I am molding myself to be and one piece at the time we realign the system to the truth that what is Best for All is ultimately what is Best for Everybody everywhere.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame what is outside of me as the cause of what goes on inside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the system as something to take on , instead of seeing I fear myself as something to take on because I have not accepted myself as the system I am so that I can change myself as the system I want to be and see outside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel justified to attack the system and blame the system in separation of myself instead of seeing the system as a partner that one and equal to me lost its way and is now realigning to what I am realigning myself as which is Oneness and Equality and what is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak words against the system’s corruption and unfairness instead of realizing I am speaking words against my own corruption and unfairness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that there is no place for me in the system instead of realizing that if I am the system I must bring myself Here and the system as me Here for realignment with Oneness and Equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condemn myself for my own corruption and unfairness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fear my new state of ‘not feeling’ because I had allowed and accepted myself to associate existing with ‘having feelings’ and I fear not existing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself in future business scenarios because this is what I was told you have to do when planning a business instead of seeing I don’t need to go anywhere in my mind since my mind has no solutions but I need to get physical, gather practical information and evaluate them in the moment in my Hereness where I don’t need any future projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the system is designed to fuck people because I have fucked people in my life as a result of having been fucked

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I might fall back into old business patterns of power and desire to abuse instead of seeing I cannot fall unless I decide to fall

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust the system because I do not trust myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the abuses of the system instead of seeing I fear the abuses of me as the system and that I can stop existing one and equal to abuse done and received

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I do not have a ‘government approved’ system education I must fear to be exposed as a liar for claiming one instead of seeing I am claiming an education that I have built for myself through my own experience that doesn’t need a government approval

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the system is too big for us to take on instead of seeing that if nothing exists outside of me, the system too must exist as me and I am not too big for myself to take on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to borrow money to start a business because I accepted and allowed myself to fear debt as something that was taught to me by the system to make sure I would repay what I have accepted and allowed was due by me in my accepted life of credits and debts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having debts as something that diminishes me instead of seeing that big corporations are full of debts and comfortable with it, so it’s just myself diminishing myself through my accepted and allowed beliefs that people with debts are worth less than people with money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘what will my mother think if she knows I have borrowed money for a business start-up ?” instead of seeing I don’t care about my mother but I am just using her to show myself there is a point inside of me showing me that I care that people know I have debts that diminish me in comparison to those that have no debts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of myself as a debtor because I accepted and allowed myself to see debt as something ‘bad’, instead of seeing that borrowing money to start a business is a normal business practice and that I am wide awake and will be able to evaluate the risk involved and the potential consequence and make sound decisions about what to do

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2 comments on “2012: Nothing that happens inside of me can be blamed on others

  1. Marlen says:

    Awesome blog, thanks Eleonora, many cool points here

  2. Thanks Eleonora – I enjoy your writings very much!

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