This is my first blog ever.
My life has been a journey into understanding why I am here and what I am supposed to do with my life.
I was baptised as a catholic, the Catholic story was the easiest to leave behind as it just didn’t make sense, everywhere we look into the Catholic world there are lies, they teach what Jesus said about loving one another while they live like kings in palaces and let the world around them starve and live in misery, it’s surprising they still have followers.
The Catholics are just another manifestation of power and greed, they want power, extensive power that they get for themselves by granting people the freedom from the guilt they feel for the lives they live through confession and absolution, the catholics thrive on the fear of mankind that there might be something wrong in this world that we don’t want to see, I know about this fear because it was my fear, I didn’t want to see the Truth of this world.
The riches of the Vatican could solve starvation in the world in a blink, but they don’t want to give up their lives of privileges instead they just sit in their villas in the best locations in Italy, feeding on the best foods available, wearing the best fabrics in the world, travelling in style, molesting children and covering up for it so putting themselves above the Law that applies to everyone else without even having the excuse of believing in Karma and reincarnation it is obvious that this belief system is faulty and a blatant Lie, they are not Jesus’s followers, they are a bunch of liars that don’t stop with lying about the past and suppressing history in their little secret Vatican archives, they lie about the Future too, the Hereafter dream, what about Here to start with, why don’t we look at that ?
Catholics as a solution to life and this world: irrelevant when not just damaging.
So I spent my life looking for answers to this life, to why I am here, why I behave like I do, why I do the things I do, have the thoughts I have, what is the meaning to life that looked to me like not meaningful, going to work to support myself in my delusional desires that never seem to take a rest, moving from one desire to another, from one emotion to another and having relationships that are never real or can be trusted didn’t seem to make sense.
I studied many authors talking abut this reality and the meaning of our life, read many books, self help, metaphysics, teachings of oriental philosophies, Kryon, channelers, the Seth material, but I could not find an answer until I found Law of attraction that explained we were designed to desire, and that emotions and feeling were our guidance system, what feels good is good, what feels bad is bad for you, that’s it I thought, and I just had to worry about MY reality, forget about everyone else, what they had, what they did, focus on the good, the light, this will ultimately change the world, we could bring light to the world.
For 10 years I did just that, diligently, I would watch my thoughts, suppress the “bad” ones and give attention to the “good” ones, I deluded myself that the world was indeed getting better because by Law of attraction I would only attract to my life good news, the doctor helping in Africa, a new project to save the blinds and moved myself from delusion to delusion accepting that the All That IS was in charge, that it was all good, that we were meant to live a joyful existance so I believed I was on track while I blinded myself to everything else that was going on.
Three years ago I left the life I lived because it didn’t work for me anymore, I had it all, a great job that gave me a lot of money, the perfect home in the centre of the city where I lived, friends and a full time maid, by everyone standards I had it all.
Meanwhile I lived a terrible state of suppression, 10 years of love and light came to take its toll, 10 years of suppressed emotions and feelings of thoughts I didn’t want to own and could not because the Law of Attraction said to choose the other polarity which in the material reality did work fine but not inside of me, inside I was a wreck.
I had an addiction to Pot that I could not let go, no matter what I tried, I lived a secret life feeding this addiction and the shame that came with it, I tried to talk to my friends about it but noone wanted to hear, I looked fine during the day and so why rock the boat ? If we started talking about my fucked up existance they might have to look at theirs so I kept suppressing until I just could not manage it anymore, I had to give it all up and go and look for real solutions.
While I isolated myself for 3 years to find a way to heal myself I studies The Body electric, nutrition, how to map traumas in the body with mathematics, family constellation, holographic reality, and last the Russians and their researches about changing the holographic reality through numbers and visualizations, so pretty much anything available that could give me a clue about what was going on in my head, I was not crazy apparently because I could still keep up the appearances of a functioning human being, didn’t strip naked in the streets and screamed, didn’t display a behaviour that would take me to the mental asylum but didn’t feel right, knew something was definitely not right with me, some of the thoughts that went on in my head were obviously not right, reality didn’t make sense anymore.
After the holographic reality studies and before the Russians I had a diversion, I realized something was not right with the planet, if this reality is holographic, who is projecting it and how and why. That diversion ended all of my illusions about this planet, one thing led to another, one research to another into conspiracies, what goes on that we have absolutely no clue about, it was like reality was layered literally in a pyramid of informations, we lived at the bottom of the pyramid, understanding nothing of what was going on in reality, being fed ridiculous news about health and medicine, about what the body is, being kept happy about cancer research when the people who had effectively found solutions for that were shunned out of the system, so I started to have extensive Fear, Fear that I lived on an evil planet without having ever noticed, where was I all my life while all this was going on, this was the most puzzling question.
I started to look for who knew this reality for what it was and studied the Gnostics and found out that there had been people on the planet who had woken up to that reality before and then I tried to forget it all, because I didn’t know how to live with these thoughts it was just crippling especially because there was no solution, I am stuck here obviously can’t go anywhere else because if this world is not OK and cannot be trusted what’s AFTER ?
So I looked instead into possibility of changing the holographic reality, it looks real but is it, what’s real ? Is this a Matrix like in the movie, who is running it and why ?
In this quest I found a group of people called Desteni, they had it all mapped out, the Truth of it all was ugly to use an understatement I could not look at it, so I tried to forget it all remove it from my mind, delete it, and moved on to the Russians, but realized it all looked like make belief by that stage, nothing felt real anymore, I just could not buy into it, yes it worked but again on a singular basis and by that time I had no clue what was really happening when we used such tools because I realized I cannot see Reality for what it is, I see what I have been taught and came to believe.
So I went back to Desteni, at the beginning the Fear was extensive, some things I had self realized, like the demonic nature of this reality, it’s everywhere, if we open our eyes it’s there for everyone to see, and in truth we don’t even need to look outside, it’s inside of us, in our thoughts, in our words, in what we do to survive, it’s our very nature that we have come to embrace by being birthed on this planet, it’s what we hide from one another, it’s the ugliness of us.
So in self honesty I have realized that this reality is ultimately me, I am projecting it through my suppressed thoughts and emotions , I am the Creator, Created, Creation of this reality and that until I change and give up all delusions about who I would like to be or have been and look at who I have become and what I have really been, self forgive and let go, I will never be a human but a dehumanized copy of me, a demon, possessed by shame, guilt and ultimately blame as a last resort to not own the truth of me, so I will myself to stop, breathe and walk this process in Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness to set myself free One and Equal to everything that exists.
I am Here