Today I have noticed that I start to feel better since I have taken steps to go to the gym having had to face the fact that I am positively out of shape, and I mean it in the sense of physical strenght, I am weak and need to build up some resistance and strenght within my body and to eat food that my body agrees more with.
With the feeling better on a physical level came the realization that I have pains everywhere that I must have suppressed forever together with a million other things.
One thing that happened today was that I stopped at a pet shop and looked at the window posts where they had put pictures of 5 dogs, their ‘names’ and their stories, the last one, Robin, had this story ‘he would not let his partner die alone and sat with her on a highway until he was rescued and she was dead’.
This brought up tremendous sadness within me, at first I thought it was because I was moved by the ‘romantic’ story and the will of standing by someone else as support, but then I realized that it was something personal, a fear that none will stand by me when I die given that I am the last one of my family and I don’t even have a dog 🙂
So I realized that even when I believe that I am moved because it’s normal and good people are moved by this story, this was not true, it was about a tremendous fear that I have suppressed together with a desire of having smeone stand by me to support me through thick and thin, the reason is because I have never been there to do so for myself.
Another thing came up which was the realization of how much I used to hate looking at the negative side of life, this behaviour has its roots in my childhood, when I used to want to hide what was going on in my family with my mother. I used to think I hid this part of my life out of not wanting others to feel bad themselves, but reality was I hid it out of shame, because I believed that a good mother would be not like mine and somehow I felt I must have deserved such a mother believing that everyone else had a better one, which was not true.
It took me a few more years to realize every family was a tragedy in itself, different strokes for different people but in truth, there wasn’t ever a good family that I met, stuff was going on everywhere, we were just all into hiding it thinking that others had a better one, their grass was greener.
At the time I developed a ‘clown’ personality, when I finished the 3rd year of secondary school a girlfriend gave me a poem as a gift, it was titled ‘the clown’ and it spoke about a clown that made everybody laugh but when alone was always crying melting his make up, this image stuck somehow…this poem made me feel embarassed, how did she know given the lenght I had gone through to always be happy and positive and never mention problems which was the only topic in my home, problems within mother and grandmother, always involving me, each one of them asking me to take sides and me feeling thorn all the time.
I stuck to this personality for years, until one year ago I suppose, a little before embarking on the Desteni process, then I lost myself as I had to face truths about this world that I really did not want to see, and I mean really.
ne week ago on facebook I read a story of Mama Bear killing her cub to prevent him from suffering atrocious pains from bile withdrawals and then killing herself.
I felt angry for that post, I felt why do we need to throw this stuff on each other face, isn’t the world sad enough, bad enough, aren,’t we aware enough, how else can I feel if not powerless and desperate facing such news ?
But the truth is I was angry at myself, for not wanting to look, for holding on to the desire that if I did not look I might still somehow feel OK, forgetting that this is one of the points we are debunking, the need and desire to feel good and the fear to feel bad, because until we let go of both, we cannot Live, we are moved within mind constructs that tell us how we are supposed to feel about something and either elated or crushed at whim, by facing what is Here, what we have allowed ourselves to accept and become while we looked the other way because reality seemed just too painful to be looked at when buying into the belief that this was how life was, better get a grip on this and make our personal reality work, forget about all the rest.
Today I decided to make an experiment, I said to myself, I have food in the fridge, I don’t need clothes, shoes, make up, perfumes, I need nothing, my fridge is full, so I want to will myself to not shop, because shopping is one of the ways I have accepted to exist and is part of the problem of consumerism, I am consumerism, one and equal, so I have to stop this within me.
I was on an assignment from my mum to go and check out a shop that sells furniture that now has discounts, I went in and told them I’m just looking on behalf of my mum, which meant I am NOT buying, this interaction was interesting because they didn’t even get up given I had announced I was not the one spending money on this, I sat on all the couches and when I was about to leave I asked when was the offer ending and they told me within a week so come back with your mum soon 🙂 Meaning bring the wallet, because without the wallet you are nobody.
Then I went to see another furniture shop, there I realized my mind is full of ads and associations, a couch is no longer a couch, is a place where people are happy, where they sit with loving friends sharing fun times, so is a kitchen, all these images of happy people and moments popped up, they were not MINE, since I don’t have loving friends and have rarely shared happy moments unless I were high on pot or drunk, but they were chemically induced ‘happy moments’ so I could say for sure we fuck ourselves with programming relative to goods and things we don’t even need in that perpetual elusive quest for happiness and fear of unhappiness and while we swing, we are never HERE, what a clever design.
The last event was that an architect came to see some of the work that needs o be done in this apartment, this part I cannot explain, for all the time he was here I was someone else, I stepped into a personality, the educated woman who lived abroad and off I went, this time I was aware that I was possessed but did not know how to stop and be me, mainly because there isn’t yet a clear ME that I have established that is stable here, never changing, but I still swing between personalities and mind construct in automatic.
So today have been, the idiotic 46 year old oddly clothed that walked into a furniture shop with no money to buy that left feeling irrelevant as my worth is still somehow defined by ‘what I can buy’, the sad romantic woman longing for someone to sit by my side when I die, the educated woman who lived abroad to match the ‘architect’ title for fear of feeling less than him.
On my way back to the gym I saw a bag, heard the good motivation to buy it, was only 5 euro and I have been debating as well on what happens if we stop buying, people will lose jobs, do I have a responsibility for that or not and then I said NO to a beggar which left me with a sense of ‘I’m a shit’ because his approach started with ‘mam, please help me..’ and I just said NO.
So tonight I am disappointed at myself to top it all off because I have lost a day of Life in the pursuit of ‘happiness’ equating happiness with purchasing, need to be considered, need for respect, desire to have someone stand by me when I die so as not to have to die alone and ultimately the realization that I have been running away from reality all my life, reality is nice when it’s not too real, when it’s not upsetting instead of seeing all right, this is where we are, if I give up the pursuit of happiness and the fear of suffering I might actually find out that yes it’s quite terrible what we have allowed and accepted but I can start by stopping myself, by giving up definitiona and participations of me as the mind within this system of inequalities instead of losing myself in the polarity game of happy/suffering because when I am not stable Here, in breath, I am just useless, I am just a puppet moved around by hopes, desires, wishes, feelings and emotions and that when I see this I need to say to myself, it’s good you see this is going on, now STOP IT, and I will myself to STOP, to STOP to live as the desire of not wanting to face reality that it’s too real for fear of being upset.
When I get upset I look at this word, up set, what if I turn it around set up ? I am setting myself up into a trap with no exit, so I STOP, when I see that I am moving automatically into a particular personality out of fear, I stop, breathe and tell myself NO, we don’t do this anymore and as soon as I am alone again I practice self forgiveness on the points that have come up during a day that I have judged as wasted but it’s not because I saw the play outs which I did not even see until a few months ago, I accept I am walking a process, accept my physical pain as real and see that disentangling will bring pain in more than one level but I can manage it, breathe through it and make sure next time I’ll do better, I’ll stop myself earlier if not immediately, I will stop as soon as I see myself walking into mind patterns that then take over and I am left with the roller coaster ride because I was unwilling to stop the moment before I set foot on the ride.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I have power and value only if I have money in my pocket
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that it is normal that people around me should perceive me as les valuable once they understand I am not going to spend money because when I hold on to this belief I accept and allow that the value of people and Life is based on money while I no longer accept this belief as one as equal as me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to associate things to feelings in picture forms, like furniture with memories of good time with friends , that I did not even experience in truth, so I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and participate in implated images and associations regarding how happy I will feel if I participate in consumerism
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that buying stuff can make me/people happy and for accepting justifications within myself for participating in consumerism, meaning buying stuff that I don’t need, which means I don’t have to participate at all except for food stuff at the moment since I have more than plenty of everything
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the desire of buying things that promise to make me happy, I have checked that out, things don’t make me happpy, it’s just a belief I have bought into as a way to distract myself from what is Here and what needs to be done, which is me stopping my participation in the mind to realign to what is best for all
I forgive myself for alowing myself to be one and equal to the shame that I felt when I met Desteni because I had suppressed so deep the obvious points that they were pointing out that I felt angry with myself and unworthy of the help and support they offer
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that esteni was the problem for pointing out the obvious because I had worked so hard at making the obvious suppressed that I felt found out and being pointed out as a liar and a cheater instead of seeing that was my own self judgement of myself knowing all along what I was doing but unable to stop to face reality and stand up for what is best for all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was worth less than other Destonians because I judged myself as having joined this process in fear as a starting point and not with the starting point of standing up for what is best for all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that such a creature as I have accepted and believed myself to have become could not find it in herself to want and will herself to stand up for what is best for all, instead I forgive myself absolutely for not having had the right starting point and embrace myself now as worthy of walking this process as one with everyone else who is standing
I forgive myself for allowing myself to resent being thrown in the face bad news everyday by Desteni instead of seeing that the bad news is what we have allowed ourselves to become and unless we see it everyday we won’t stop because we were preprogrammed to always act in self interest, instead now I stop my desire to always win, I give it up for what is best for all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I can only take in so much bad news meaning I can only take in so much of myself and what I have allowed and accepted myself to become because this belief keeps me in separation from me and unable to stand up for what is best for all
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the physical pain that I am experiencing because I fear I have not yet worked out a way that is not suppression to handle it, instead I look at this pain as me becoming real, one and equal to the pain and suffering in the world, no longer hiding or refusing to take on my part of it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I could live in self abuse as long as I was not abusing other, while missing the point that self abuses is the abuse of others one and equal to me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to switch personalities that I have created in a Russian doll kind of game where I move from the smalles to the biggest according to how I am being prompted from external factors, instead I stand up to become stable, Self Expression in Breath, no longer concerned or moved by external factors
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that I am one and equal to the Fear od dying alone, without even a dog sitting next to me, instead I see that each one of us dies alone, that death is nothing more than the natural consequence of being birthed in this reality and I stop fearing death
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am a shit when I say NO to a beggar and then I spend 5 euro on a bag I don’t need, instead I see I say NO to the beggar because I don’t support his belief in dishonesty and disempowerement and I stop buying the bag I don’t need but stop judging myself for not having given when I could have
I forgive myself for allowing myself to support poverty in this world through charity that I used to make myself feel better about my placement within the money system that I had come to accept and believe it’s the value system of mankind
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel sad because I read a story of a dog, instead I see that when I react to something I need to dig and see what is it about me that resonates and apply self forgiveness in self honesty
I forgive myself for alowing myself to judge my body today because I saw it as melting and flabby instead I see I’m moving stuff within my body and I support it equal and one through this change without judgement
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that judging myself is a sign of honesty, instead I see that judgement of myself and others is always dishonesty because it’s born from comparison which is of me as the mind and not of me as Self Expression as Life, one and equal to everything that exists
I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that I don’t need to write myself out daily, instead I see the benefit of taking these steps consistently and I go back to writing myself out daily so I can become more stable in my self expression
I forgive myself for allowing myself to miss myself because I have not yet mastered breathing as a way to self support, instead I keep practicing until it will feel natural
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I should hold in my belly at all times as stated by my grandmother for estetic reasons because I see that when I hold my belly in at all times I cannnot breathe 🙂 so fuck the estetic and lets’ embrace me as Breath as Life with a belly that allows the breathing of me as Life to take place
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that the way things look is important, instead I see that I don’t know yet how things look, I only know how they look to me through my accepted and allowed programming and since I am in the process of deprogramming myself, they are obviously NOT important
Only Life Matters
I Breathe, I stand One and Equal, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical