Forgiving myself for a day lost within mind constructs

Today I have noticed that I start to feel better since I have taken steps to go to the gym having had to face the fact that I am positively out of shape, and I mean it in the sense of physical strenght, I am weak and need to build up some resistance and strenght within my body and to eat food that my body agrees more with.

With the feeling better on a physical level came the realization that I have pains everywhere that I must have suppressed forever together with a million other things.

One thing that happened today was that I stopped at a pet shop and looked at the window posts where they had put pictures of 5 dogs, their ‘names’ and their stories, the last one, Robin, had this story ‘he would not let his partner die alone and sat with her on a highway until he was rescued and she was dead’.

This brought up tremendous sadness within me, at first I thought it was because I was moved by the ‘romantic’ story and the will of standing by someone else as support, but then I realized that it was something personal, a fear that none will stand by me when I die given that I am the last one of my family and I don’t even have a dog ūüôā

So I realized that even when I believe that I am moved because it’s normal and good people are moved by this story, this was not true, it was about a tremendous fear that I have suppressed together with a desire of having smeone stand by me to support me through thick and thin, the reason is because I have never been there to do so for myself.

Another thing came up which was the realization of how much I used to hate looking at the negative side of life, this behaviour has its roots in my childhood, when I used to want to hide what was going on in my family with my mother. I used to think I hid this part of my life out of not wanting others to feel bad themselves, but reality was I hid it out of shame, because I believed that a good mother would be not like mine and somehow I felt I must have deserved such a mother believing that everyone else had a better one, which was not true.

It took me a few more years to realize every family was a tragedy in itself, different strokes for different people but in truth, there wasn’t ever a good family that I met, stuff was going on everywhere, we were just all into hiding it thinking that others had a better one, their grass was greener.

At the time I developed a ‘clown’ personality, when I finished the 3rd year of secondary school a girlfriend gave me a poem as a gift, it was titled ‘the clown’ and it spoke about a clown that made everybody laugh but when alone was always crying melting his make up, this image stuck somehow…this poem made me feel embarassed, how did she know given the lenght I had gone through to always be happy and positive and never mention problems which was the only topic in my home, problems within mother and grandmother, always involving me, each one of them asking me to take sides and me feeling thorn all the time.

I stuck to this personality for years, until one year ago I suppose, a little before embarking on the Desteni process, then I lost myself as I had to face truths about this world that I really did not want to see, and I mean really.

ne week ago on facebook I read a story of Mama Bear killing her cub to prevent him from suffering atrocious pains from bile withdrawals and then killing herself.

I felt angry for that post, I felt why do we need to throw this stuff on each other face, isn’t the world sad enough, bad enough, aren,’t we aware enough, how else can I feel if not powerless and desperate facing such news ?

But the truth is I was angry at myself, for not wanting to look, for holding on to the desire that if I did not look I might still somehow feel OK, forgetting that this is one of the points we are debunking, the need and desire to feel good and the fear to feel bad, because until we let go of both, we cannot Live, we are moved within mind constructs that tell us how we are supposed to feel about something and either elated or crushed at whim, by facing what is Here, what we have allowed ourselves to accept and become while we looked the other way because reality seemed just too painful to be looked at when buying into the belief that this was how life was, better get a grip on this and make our personal reality work, forget about all the rest.

Today I decided to make an experiment, I said to myself, I have food in the fridge, I don’t need clothes, shoes, make up, perfumes, I need nothing, my fridge is full, so I want to will myself to not shop, because shopping is one of the ways I have accepted to exist and is part of the problem of consumerism, I am consumerism, one and equal, so I have to stop this within me.

I was on an assignment from my mum to go and check out a shop that sells furniture that now has discounts, I went in and told them I’m just looking on behalf of my mum, which meant I am NOT buying, this interaction was interesting because they didn’t even get up given I had announced I was not the one spending money on this, I sat on all the couches and when I was about to leave I asked when was the offer ending and they told me within a week so come back with your mum soon ūüôā Meaning bring the wallet, because without the wallet you are nobody.

Then I went to see another furniture shop, there I realized my mind is full of ads and associations, a couch is no longer a couch, is a place where people are happy, where they sit with loving friends sharing fun times, so is a kitchen, all these images of happy people and moments popped up, they were not MINE, since I don’t have loving friends and have rarely shared happy moments unless I were high on pot or drunk, but they were chemically induced ‘happy moments’ so I could say for sure we fuck ourselves with programming relative to goods and things we don’t even need in that perpetual elusive quest for happiness and fear of unhappiness and while we swing, we are never HERE, what a clever design.

The last event was that an architect came to see some of the work that needs o be done in this apartment, this part I cannot explain, for all the time he was here I was someone else, I stepped into a personality, the educated woman who lived abroad and off I went, this time I was aware that I was possessed but did not know how to stop and be me, mainly because there isn’t yet a clear ME that I have established that is stable here, never changing, but I still swing between personalities and mind construct in automatic.

So today¬† have been, the idiotic 46 year old oddly clothed that walked into a furniture shop with no money to buy that left feeling irrelevant as my worth is still somehow defined by ‘what I can buy’, the sad romantic woman longing for someone to sit by my side when I die, the educated woman who lived abroad to match the ‘architect’ title for fear of feeling less than him.

On my way back to the gym I saw a bag, heard the good motivation to buy it, was only 5 euro and I have been debating as well on what happens if we stop buying, people will lose jobs, do I have a responsibility for that or not and then I said NO to a beggar which left me with a sense of ‘I’m a shit’ because his approach started with ‘mam, please help me..’ and I just said NO.

So tonight I am disappointed at myself to top it all off because I have lost a day of Life in the pursuit of ‘happiness’ equating happiness with purchasing, need to be considered, need for respect, desire to have someone stand by me when I die so as not to have to die alone and ultimately the realization that I have been running away from reality all my life, reality is nice when it’s not too real, when it’s not upsetting instead of seeing all right, this is where we are, if I give up the pursuit of happiness and the fear of suffering I might actually find out that yes it’s quite terrible what we have allowed and accepted but I can start by stopping myself, by giving up definitiona and participations of me as the mind within this system of inequalities instead of losing myself in the polarity game of happy/suffering because when I am not stable Here, in breath, I am just useless, I am just a puppet moved around by hopes, desires, wishes, feelings and emotions and that when I see this I need to say to myself, it’s good you see this is going on, now STOP IT, and I will myself to STOP, to STOP to live as the desire of not wanting to face reality that it’s too real for fear of being upset.

When I get upset I look at this word, up set, what if I turn it around set up ? I am setting myself up into a trap with no exit, so I STOP, when I see that I am moving automatically into a particular personality out of fear, I stop, breathe and tell myself NO, we don’t do this anymore and as soon as I am alone again I practice self forgiveness on the points that have come up during a day that I have judged as wasted but it’s not because I saw the play outs which I did not even see until a few months ago, I accept I am walking a process, accept my physical pain as real and see that disentangling will bring pain in more than one level but I can manage it, breathe through it and make sure next time I’ll do better, I’ll stop myself earlier if not immediately, I will stop as soon as I see myself walking into mind patterns that then take over and I am left with the roller coaster ride because I was unwilling to stop the moment before I set foot on the ride.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I have power and value only if I have money in my pocket

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that it is normal that people around me should perceive me as les valuable once they understand I am not going to spend money because when I hold on to this belief I accept and allow that the value of people and Life is based on money while I no longer accept this belief as one as equal as me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to associate things to feelings in picture forms, like furniture with memories of good time with friends , that I did not even experience in truth, so I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and participate in implated images and associations regarding how happy I will feel if I participate in consumerism

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that buying stuff can make me/people happy and for accepting justifications within myself for participating in consumerism, meaning buying stuff that I don’t need, which means I don’t have to participate at all except for food stuff at the moment since I have more than plenty of everything

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the desire of buying things that promise to make me happy, I have checked that out, things don’t make me happpy, it’s just a belief I have bought into as a way to distract myself from what is Here and what needs to be done, which is me stopping my participation in the mind to realign to what is best for all

I forgive myself for alowing myself to be one and equal to the shame that I felt when I met Desteni because I had suppressed so deep the obvious points that they were pointing out that I felt angry with myself and unworthy of the help and support they offer

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that esteni was the problem for pointing out the obvious because I had worked so hard at making the obvious suppressed that I felt found out and being pointed out as a liar and a cheater instead of seeing that was my own self judgement of myself knowing all along what I was doing but unable to stop to face reality and stand up for what is best for all

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was worth less than other Destonians because I judged myself as having joined this process in fear as a starting point and not with the starting point of standing up for what is best for all

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that such a creature as I have accepted and believed myself to have become could not find it in herself to want and will herself to stand up for what is best for all, instead I forgive myself absolutely for not having had the right starting point and embrace myself now as worthy of walking this process as one with everyone else who is standing

I forgive myself for allowing myself to resent being thrown in the face bad news everyday by Desteni instead of seeing that the bad news is what we have allowed ourselves to become and unless we see it everyday we won’t stop because we were preprogrammed to always act in self interest, instead now I stop my desire to always win, I give it up for what is best for all

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I can only take in so much bad news meaning I can only take in so much of myself and what I have allowed and accepted myself to become because this belief keeps me in separation from me and unable to stand up for what is best for all

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the physical pain that I am experiencing because I fear I have not yet worked out a way that is not suppression to handle it, instead I look at this pain as me becoming real, one and equal to the pain and suffering in the world, no longer hiding or refusing to take on my part of it

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I could live in self abuse as long as I was not abusing other, while missing the point that self abuses is the abuse of others one and equal to me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to switch personalities that I have created in a Russian doll kind of game where I move from the smalles to the biggest according to how I am being prompted from external factors, instead I stand up to become stable, Self Expression in Breath, no longer concerned or moved by external factors

I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that I am one and equal to the Fear od dying alone, without even a dog sitting next to me, instead I see that each one of us dies alone, that death is nothing more than the natural consequence of being birthed in this reality and I stop fearing death

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am a shit when I say NO to a beggar and then I spend 5 euro on a bag I don’t need, instead I see I say NO to the beggar because I don’t support his belief in dishonesty and disempowerement and I stop buying the bag I don’t need but stop judging myself for not having given when I could have

I forgive myself for allowing myself to support poverty in this world through charity that I used to make myself feel better about my placement within the money system that I had come to accept and believe it’s the value system of mankind

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel sad because I read a story of a dog, instead I see that when I react to something I need to dig and see what is it about me that resonates and apply self forgiveness in self honesty

I forgive myself for alowing myself to judge my body today because I saw it as melting and flabby instead I see I’m moving stuff within my body and I support it equal and one through this change without judgement

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that judging myself is a sign of honesty, instead I see that judgement of myself and others is always dishonesty because it’s born from comparison which is of me as the mind and not of me as Self Expression as Life, one and equal to everything that exists

I forgive myself for alowing myself to accept and believe that I don’t need to write myself out daily, instead I see the benefit of taking these steps consistently and I go back to writing myself out daily so I can become more stable in my self expression

I forgive myself for allowing myself to miss myself because I have not yet mastered breathing as a way to self support, instead I keep practicing until it will feel natural

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I should hold in my belly at all times as stated by my grandmother for estetic reasons because I see that when I hold my belly in at all times I cannnot breathe ūüôā so fuck the estetic and lets’ embrace me as Breath as Life with a belly that allows the breathing of me as Life to take place

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that the way things look is important, instead I see that I don’t know yet how things look, I only know how they look to me through my accepted and allowed programming and since I am in the process of deprogramming myself, they are obviously NOT important

Only Life Matters

I Breathe, I stand One and Equal, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical

 

Caring about what others think ?

Today I have read a lot of blogs and forum stuff, something came up when I read some of Marlen’s blogs relative to the importance one’s give to being validated by others.

I don’t have many “others” left around me that I wish could validate me, but nevertheless I realized this is still a massive point because in everything I¬† do or think to do, the first point is how I will present it to others to make it acceptable.

Forget about Desteni stuff as with the few friends I have found again back in Italy from 20 years ago, I would not know where to start, I lack an Italian vocabulary to explain these concept, even for something as simple as Equal Money because it’s a topic surrounded for me by a sense of being stupid for even thinking it may be possible given the reality of the country I live in.

Yesterday they proposed the new Financial Emergency Law that should become effective immediately if voted, they are still planning to take from people, the only cut they made to the politicians packages are that they will have to travel “economy” and no longer business class or first, even though it’s of public knowledge that they earn 3 times what the other European politicians earn not counting what they steal.

So somewhere inside of me I don’t know how to address this topic to others, simply because even though I myself am starting to see that it would just take the will of people to take the system down, I accept that I live in a country where half a million crooks have not been taken down by 60 millions, not even through voting them out.

We accept that the system is what is and by comparison to the living standards of other countries we keep saying “we are lucky”, the foreigners that come to live here tell the Italians not to complain given what they have just escaped, so no one does, or those who do even on newspapers, just write articles about it, there are no solutions, this is accepted, people regret Mussolini, because at least at his time he was the only one stealing (if at all) so¬†we live blissfully watching feel good movie and shows, eating great food and being enter-tained.

At the moment I live in 2 worlds, not at ease in any of the 2 yet, I have decided to stand for Life, yet I can see I am not doing everything I can, forget shaving the head, even my blogging is not as effective as it could be, I should have started an Italian blog, but I feel as I said, I lack the right words, and especially I am just knowledge and information at the beginning of being applied, so I feel I don’t have a sure standing yet to speak up, I would be an hypocrite telling others to do what I myself have not yet done, walk consistently.

Today when I read Marlen’s blogs something came up relative to how important for me is how people perceive me, I even could go back very far in my memory with regard to this meaning that I remember being a kid, going through some event and while “living ” it I was already thinking how I would tell the story to my friends, I just can’t remember exactly when I started but I remember that the 2nd wife of my grandfather on my mother’s side did not like me, probably not me ‘per se’ but she did not like having a kid around for the summer holidays, I remember this because I always ended up going out with grandad and the dog, even when he was going to play cards at the bar, he would take me along and I would spend the afternoon in a bar with only men smoking, drinking wine and playing cards, me on a chair on the side next to the dog.

I remember fearing my step grandmother, she was loud, somehow vulgar compared to my other ‘elegant’ (that’s how she liked to portray herself and how I came to believe she was) grandmother, always heavily made up with a red lipstick and dark eyes, often shouting, easy to slap, so obviously I did everything to not upset her in anyway given my already precarious position.

I don’t know why she comes to mind because in a way she was quite marginal in the family structure, her son liked me, when the 4 of us were together I felt OK protected by my grandfather and my uncle, when we were alone I lived in fear, I was afraid that she would complain about me, she always hinted something negative about my other grandmother, the first wife, until one day after she made a very negative comment about my other grandma¬†being a ‘slut’¬†I pulled the tablecloth of a neatly prepared table on a summer break from school while we were on the mountains and that was it, my holidays with them were over for good, I was a teenager by then.

I saw a picture of myself recently when I was about 7 or 8, sitting at their table with my mother, I looked very suppressed, I was even afraid of expressing with my face, I looked positively dumb.

Funny that I do’t remember when I started to become dishonest and suppress who I was but I remember possibly the last time I have been honest, there is a hole in between, I was around 5 and went to the dry cleaner with my mum, she asked me a question and I replied honestly, then my mum when we left said something like ‘what were you thinking????’ I guess nothing at the time ūüôā

There was another episode that put an end to my honesty for good, the nuns asked us to write a story about ‘what does mama do when I go to bed?’ of course it was meant to underline all the sacrifices mothers did when kids went to sleep, ironing, washing etcetera.

When I asked my mum she took issue with the question, like if I were a nosy brat and she replied ‘what do you think I do ? scratch my fanny ?’, so this is what I wrote on the nun’s report ‘when I go to bed my mum scratches her fanny. She was called for explanations and I got another dose of ‘what were you thinking?’, until I had to start thinking to keep myself out of troubles.

So my thinking started convoluted, it started with ‘what will they think if I say this ?’, until I learnt from adults that you did not have to say what went¬† through your mind for real, you just had to make up something that was socially acceptable, it took me a few years to master that until I could no longer remember what was true and what I had made up.

This came up with ‘remastered /reviseted memories”, something I found on the SF thread on Facebook, I have plenty of these, of many things I can’t no longer honestly tell how they went because I know I did this, so maybe all of my memories are just made up, I can’t be sure of the facts either, imagine that, holding on to memories that aren’t possibly even true, but there they are.

I want to let go of all my past memories because I wish to become effective in this process,¬† next thing I will tackle will be smoking cigarettes, I have not understood at all how this will affect the money system, but I understood the part of principle over preference, for sure is my preference to smoke as a point of perceived ‘taking a break’, not sure from what since I am not working at the moment, so it’s not a work break, it’s not a break from myself because I smoke AND read Desteni stuff or write myself out so it will be interesting to give up and see what comes up that I was holding on to as a point related to smoking.

I have a lot of points that have judged about myself in my life, even though I was born reasonably good looking for the standards of beauty accepted in Italy¬†meaning tall, my face is OK, I was never ‘up there’ with the real beautiful ones, at one point I was even 25 kg overweight in my teenage years, so¬† have had my share of body rejections, from feet to nose to what not, it’s never enough by comparison, there will always be someone more good looking, with a better body, straighter nose, smaller feet, the list is infinite, unless one day we drop it all and just¬†stop and accept ourselves.

I have not been making up now for quite some time, I am not at all always comfortable with it, for example in 2 days we are going to Venice for a tour and I have planned to take my make up, how can one be in a hotel and not make up ? They taught me that it’s disrespectful to others to not always ‘look at your best’, meaning made up, because without make up a woman in Italy is not enough, it’s sloppy, shabby, almost dirty.

The other day when I went out with a friend and did not make up I had to justify myself on the why and eneded up apologizing, while I was doing that I thought “who the fuck is this woman, apologizing for NOT making up, having to explain why I did not ?” Many years ago he has been one of my exes, I was 26 when he was 52, and he used to work for ‘La Perla’ lingerie, one of the most expensive in the world.

He would always comment on everything I wore, as an auhority given both his age and working background in fashion, I was not into fashion at the time, I liked clothes that covered me up, never wore a skirt for fear of having crooked legs and he always tried to “groom” me like Professor Higging from My Fair Lady, he bought clothes and lingerie for me to wear, we were told it’s nice when a man does that for you, only later I started to question if it was, really ? Is it nice that a man buys you clothes to dress you up like the woman he has in his mind, not you, but a paper doll whose clothes can be changed to suit his moods. Unbelievable to say today but at the time I felt validated as a woman, he cared enough to buy me clothes !

Like Marlen I went to the other polarity, I could see I was not ‘good enough’ to be accepted on the plus polarity so I became eccentric, smoked pot, didn’t care much about my hair so I would skip the mandatory weekly hairdresser where I would instead go for colours and good cuts to then let it just be as it wished, usually pulled up so as not to have to brush it with the hairdryer every day.

As an talian I fell short on many aspects, definitely never good enough, never groomed enough especially, not good looking enough, so I developed a personality of someone interesting, a ‘good listener’ (which I was not because I had learned that pretending was good enough) mainly always concerned about how I was projecting myself.

I have improved since I met Desteni as today I can go out of the door even if I look ‘normal’ meaning not trying to be more than I am through make up and clothes nd shoes and matching bags, but I feel I still have a desire for these things, I have both now, a desire and a rejection, schizofrenic in everything I am and do still for the moment.

Now that I have given up Pot yet again, I know this time I have given up for the principle, for sure not for the preference and not yet for me, I gave up because I need to see  who I am within my life without that escape, I want to stand and face what I have allowed myself to become so I can change myself to align to Oneness and Equality.

I need to do a little less of Desteni stuff because when I jump from the past interviews to the new ones, my mind questions everything looking for inconsistencies so I can confuse myself, like 3rd world war is inevitable and then today’s video on new medication for viruses talking about the Equal Money System being in place in 10 years, then I can see I confuse myself because I start to ask myself questions like how can an Equal Money System come after 3rd world war ? Who would survive the 3rd world war hence no need for an Equal Money System as we would all be gone.

And as well I have to do SF on my extensive fear of feeling bad, EXTENSIVE, as if by feeling bad I were doing something bad, now I see I am not doing something bad, but I become ineffective, so it is to acknowledge the feeling without allowing it to cripple me, there is just so much ‘bad news” about this reality I can deal with in one day, so I’ll take on board what I can handle for now until I can handle more, until I can handle it all, which would mean I have equalized with the truth of what is here, stopping myself from either desiring to feel good or fearing feeling bad, powerless and diminished by this reality that I have worked so hard so many years to not aknowledge or see thanks to the teaching of LOA that I have embraced gratefully because they told me I was right in NOT wanting to see, it was indeed BAD for me ūüôā

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that telling things as they are is dangerous and that is better to make up a version of reality that is acceptable and not usetting to others

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that the truth is always upsetting

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that when a memory doesn’t fot my case I can change to make it more fitting to the image of myself I wish to portray

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that since I might have manipulated my memories I won’t be able to let them go because I no longer know what happened for real, instead I see it doesn’t matter, I should let go whatever I am holding on to real or not and happened or not

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear telling the truth about Desteni for fear of lacking the right words to express myself instead I see I need a little time to turn this knowledge into me living it consistently and then I will find the right wrds because I will be it and I will be one and equal to my words

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was not enough beautiful to fit in

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I could “correct” my appearance until it fit my cult-ure required standards of beauty

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am not enough and I require external validation about my appearance

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I need external validation to be worthy

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was/am less than women who were born more beautiful than myself

I foorgive myself for alowing myself to judge my best girlfriend because she went for plastic surgery and I felt she had given in, instead I see I judged her because secretly I desired to “correct” my nose with plastic surgery but suppressed this desire because I judged plastic surgery as bad

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge women who had plastic surgery because they did what I could not do because my eccentric out of the ordinary personality wuld not alow it

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was more than women who had given in and resorted to plastic surgery to make themselves look better

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge others for their choices instead I see all judgements I made were always about myself

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself for desiring to have plastic surgery to corect my nose and for then denying and suppressing this desire instead of looking at it in self honesty and self forgiveness and let it go

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I need to correct my acne scars with something and that that “correction ” is allowed, instead I see I wish to make this correction because I have judged my skin extensively and not accepted myself for it

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I would have accepted myself more if I had a better skin, instead I see that by holding on to this belief I’m projecting the acceptance of me into the future and not accepting me as I am now

I forgive myself fo allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally at all times regardless of the way I look because I am not a picture

I forgive myself for allowing myself to be one and equal to the desire of being a better picture than I am, instead I stop seeing myself as a picture and when I see myself judging myself for any physical reason I stop, breathe and bring myself back Here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was better than woomen who went to the hairdresser every week

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear people’s judgement of me when I go out without make up

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge women with too much make up as vulgar and women with no make up as shabby instead I stop any judgements of others for how they look

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to have ‘good taste’ because in “having good taste” my vaue and worth increase, instead I see I don’t need to seek value and worth outside of myself when I bring myself back Here in breath

I¬†forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I get confused by the Desteni material instead of seeing I’m just overdosing on it and I should instead divide my day in acquiring knowledge AND applying it instead of just keeping piling up knowledge with which I then allow myself to confuse myself

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I need help in walking this process because when I think I need help I make he information confusing to myself, I don’t need any help, I can stand ne and Equal with everyone else

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe it’s just too much to work out and for allowing myself to get discouraged and then wanting to take a nap because I believe I can’t handle it all, meaning I can’t handle myself instead I see I can handle myself because everyone else could and so can I

I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire to not see some of the atrocities going on in  the world because I have worked so hard at not seeing anything disturbing through LOA that now I am scared about what I think I might feel if I allow myself to see

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am scared of the atrocities out there instead of seeing I am scared of the atrocities in me that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate into

I forgive myself for allowing myself to disregard Life in favour of a MCS that I came to accept and believe I am one and equal to

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel bad and guilty¬†when I kill mosquitos that are sucking my blood and giving me huge bumps that hurt and last because I don’t know yet how to handle this point

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in thoughts feelings and emotions one and equal to me, I stop my participation so I can stand One and Equal to Life and everything that exists

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I live in a lucky country by comparison to others and therefore I should not complain instead of seeing that it is my fear of becoming less lucky as a country that prevents me from complaining

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that our living conditions are OK by comparison to others that are less fortunate because by making comparisons I give a purpose to the existance of the ‘less fortunate’ instead of seeing this as unacceptable and standing up to bring lasting change to the world

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I cannot reconcile Italy and an Equal Money system, instead I see I need to equalize everything within me because it’s the change within me that will bring about a change to the world and not an external event

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for the current situation because that means taking responsibility for myself ne and Equal

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for myself instead I see that one step at the time I can stand to become One and Equal to Life and everything that exists

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the fear of taking responsibility for myself, I am not the fear of taking responsibility for myself, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical

I am Here, I breathe, I am Life