These days since I am refurbishing this apartment I am going around with the guy in charge of the job to buy stuff for the structural changes that are taking place here like sinks, toilet bowls, tiles and everything that is needed to get the job done.
First I have noticed that I have a lot of preferences about how this house should look, like a magazine house, when I saw that clearly a few days ago I abandoned the tantrum I was having with myself about having it done in metal colours on the walls, because I saw it on the website of a ‘do it yourself’ supplier, even though I would have been unable to ‘do it myself’ and had to convince the guy that was first appointed to paint the walls to give the job he was unable to do to the other team that is doing the major construction work.
I was justifying this preference just as a preference, but when I looked at it in self honesty I saw that one thing was to choose a colour I wanted to experience that was not white, for a change, and another thing was to create so much troubles for everybody, adding another costly change, just to have this apartment look like the magazine picture that I saw, so I put everything back as it was decided at the beginning, OK for the colour, no fancy metal walls because really I don’t need them and no extravagant purchases that I justified with ‘ adding value to this house (meaning to myself)’, a house that incidentally, is not even mine but my mother’s.
The other day a friend told me that I should not make his same mistake that he considered everything he had when he separated belonged to the ex wife that helped him through some tough financial times giving up and living behind even the house that he had inherited from his parents on the mountains, instead I should remember that everything my mother owns is actually MINE.
This didn’t sound right, I have gone through this in the past and brought on myself much grief for this house where I live now that was supposedly left to me by my grandmother but not on paper (since my mum owned already 2 other apartments), until I had to let it all go from my mind and accept it was by Law her house now, so I accepted that everything my mum owns is hers, the Law says so and she is anyway always ready to point this out and because we are not yet within an Equal Money System where there is no property, there still seem to be properties and owners at the moment, so while I can use the house because it’s empty and my mother said she will be uplifted if I pay the monthly costs, it’s still not my house, I’m OK with this now, I am anticipating the Equal Money system :), I don’t care to own it, I’m happy if I can live here and she can hang on to the ownership, good enough for me as I need a place to live but I don’t need to own the place where I live anymore, I had an apartment and sold it a few years ago just for this reason.
At the moment, I own nothing, I blew everything I had in 4 years of lazy living while I leisurely studied alternative healing therapies on an island in Thailand, until I found Desteni and my hopes to manifest Money with LOA were forever deflated 🙂
In a way I’m not sorry that I don’t own anything anymore, because when I had money it was easier to accept and believe that I could buy almost everything and anything I wanted in my pursuit of happiness, including my right to abuse, now that I have no more money I have found out I have not been able to BUY myself happiness either. LOA bullshit 🙂
So now, when I go around to buy things for this house I’m forced to think about money and try to spend not more than is needed, a 12 dollar mirror is as good as a 100 dollar one, I have not used much of a mirror lately as it’s been pointed out to me as well because my hair looks ‘unkept’ :), so I found that Ikea which is a cheap furniture business here in Europe and another one that I found online that has more or less the same prices as Ikea are good enough, a table is a table, I bought the cheapest chairs of the shop, and a few other things to decorate. interestingly enough in my decoration I look for Asian things, because in Asia I felt more valuable than here and I have not yet been able to resolve this point within me, working on stopping the belief that I can be less or more in a country or another according to the money I make because I see this is at the root of this feeling.
Then I spent time spray painting stuff that I won’t have to replace since I have the time and doing something physical helps staying out of the mind. interesting because now that I reread this paragraph I can see I wrote it just to look good and conscientious that I’m now ‘Wasting’ money and actually recycling old stuff, I even exchanged my old fridge with another old fridge but bigger in the charity second-hand shop that came to take away all the old stuff for pennies, literally, I already wrote about this in the Forum.
My backchat has improved as well since I write myself out pretty much daily and I write it all out, I feared writing about money stuff, spending money and everything that concerns money because I have become more aware of how so many people struggle just to get to the end of the month and I will soon join them as I have to find a job to support myself, but since the backchat is diminishing I am actually enjoying more writing everything out, suspending self judgement at least when I write because I can say to myself I wrote honestly about what is going on in my head and in my life, not all of it yet but getting there, more because there is still much happening up there and not because I pick and choose, it’s just I should be writing all day long to catch up, but I have started to see glimpses of mind pausing when I breathe and keep reminding myself to breathe, so it’s like the gaps are growing in between the chatter.
I had an advantage as well within this process given that I had already fucked up my life beyond measure so remembering one of Marduk’s interviews about start from the good because that is not real, then you will see the nasty, I didn’t have much good to dig through and the nasty was pretty up there for me to see and write about, a good starting point, start straight from the shit since the sugar coating was gone for some time already.
I will write about Pot as well because I agree that Pot is the New World Order tool for the future and I would like to tell how Pot did not assist me in my Life, no matter what I told myself for 25 years to be able to keep it going, Pot is not a tool for freedom, that is a Lie, Pot is a tool for enslavement.
So, back to these days, when we go out and shop, some things I have to pay for, like the sink or the mirror, things that are not included in the cost of the refurbishment and I use my credit card, my Hong Kong one.
I kept my bank account that was granted to me when I had over a certain amount in cash that gives me particular benefits (and now only costs me), like being able to call the help centre 24 hours a day and I have been given a black card, not a black credit card, a black ATM card and a gold credit card, they offered me to upgrade to Platinum, I declined but they sent me the platinum card anyway(which I returned inactivated) when I already had no money left, no job and I was not even resident in Hong Kong, because this is how the Money system works, it’s like in school, you make a good name for yourself and then you can live on Credit, banks ‘bet’ on individuals life potential to make money, this is another reason why I live in a financial dichotomy at the moment, I have plenty credit in Hong Kong, a country where I don’t even live anymore, and none in Italy where I live at the moment and where I have never been able to prove that I can play the money game effectively until I left 17 years ago.
I have even come to some understanding about what my next job will be, it took me some reading through the forum to see other people’s experiences with work and their realizations about the system but now I got it, it doesn’t matter what I do if my starting point is to do what is best for all as I am the system itself and I have to become equal to all of it without judgements that prevent me from generating money that I can then invest in this cause of changing the system from within, I cannot donate what I don’t have to help with the EMS project ad so I will have to stop my judgements and morality about right or wrong, about the fact that one field is more abusive than others because all fields at the moment are equally abusive if I take them from the starting point of self interest, still I need to become effective and make the money I need to support myself and others equal to me until the system changes to what is best for all. I still have backchats about this but I’m willing myself to stop and move myself back into the working force either as a trader or a teacher or both or pretty much whatever I can come up with.
So, today when I was paying for the stuff we bought and tried to look for things that were not overpriced and did not fit a particular image of myself I want to hold on to, but just practical, I saw that when I control the money I a powerful, even in the small things, and that there is always an unspoken hierarchy playing out that dances around the money and who is holding the wallet and that supersedes even gender inequality.
For example, the project manager and owner of the refurbishment company is a male, and this means he should pay for lunch, this is the gender unspoken rule in Italy, Males always pay when there ia a woman (because we are inferior :)) BUT because I hold the wallet at the moment, I am supposed to pay for lunch, because he works FOR me, so working is in itself a form of accepted and allowed unspoken submission, when I work for someone I am inferior, when he works for me he is inferior, whenever I pay someone, in that very payment I buy my superiority, my power over Him.
This was an interesting point that connects as well to a comment a friend left after reading one of my posts regarding Italians feeling inferior to others with more money but then they consider the Chinese inferiors probably due to education and I saw that it is actually not education related but money related. The Chinese are inferior because they are in Italy because they need money and accept to make less than the Italians out of need, so the unspoken value of people is just based on money. If other nationalities come to Italy as bosses,like the British or the Americans, meaning making MORE money than an Italian, they are superior, and then resented, but this game happened in Asia as well when I was an expatriate, so I was still an Italian in Asia, but I had MORE value because I accessed the money system differently, because the Chinese and even more the Philipinos, Sri Lankan, Indian, Pakistani made a lot less money than me, and I was of course resented for it too.
When I was growing up one of my favourite movies was the Godfather, ‘respect’ is a key word within my Matrix, this is because when I grew up I had none because of Money from my mother that used to tell me, this is my house and you will do as I say until you are under MY roof, funny because we had a similar discussion one week ago, the last one I had because I am NO longer participating in that since I have seen that it’s my doing, and at the height of it she brought up MONEY, how much I threw away in 4 years (of my money but she fears I might now need soon or later to get HER money), that she is now basically paying for this refurbishment that she has decided to undertake but never mind, she told me I should pay the expenses that I offered to pay in the first moment I set foot in this house but she did not accept and then I saw that the reason why she WOULD NOT let me pay is because within the Money lies the right to abuse another and to make them inferior (by their own allowance and acceptance, in this case mine) and this was one thing she was not willing to let go, and this exact same movement exists within me as I offered the lunch to MY worker ?
Since the last fight I claimed my right to pay, it sounds funny to put it this way but it actually is true, when you pay with money, the money that is an energy that moves hands buys one into equality, the money game stops, this is why the Equal Money System is the ONLY solution to Equality, because these games cannot stop unless we give everyone the chance to pay for their lives, literally, to buy their lives back, until everyone is Equal through this very ability to move the same amount of money around the abuse cannot stop, not mine either, because, no matter how the head project felt that ‘it was my duty’ to pay for his lunch and I believed it was my duty to pay for his lunch, he sold out his equality to me and I became superior, I became his Master by using the Master Card 🙂
So, why was the Godfather character so appealing to me ?
Because I was aware that I was living within a system of abuse and inequalities and thought that the only way I would have to change that placement of me within the world would be to be like the GodFather, to create around myself a system of Favours, which is what the Mafia is, and which is what the Money System is. When one gets paid to live, he ows a favour, to his Master, the Money Giver, thus submission is born.
The Godfather commanded ‘respect’ through Fear and Money, when Money was not enough he could play out the card of Fear, strangely enough within my life he seemed as well the most Honourable, Most Honest and Greatest Caretaker of His Family, he would have done anything for His Family, for the Family, which played on another one of my Matrix programming, the desire to belong somewhere, to have a Family that would watch my back, and he always meant what He said 🙂 Having such a Hero, what does it say about the accepted and allowed beliefs I hold within me that connect intricately Money, Power, Fear and Abuse ?
So, I loved the Godfather because he was more real than all the other characters I had seen in my life, he was after power and control and made no mystery about it he got what he wanted through this ‘system of favours’ that we have accepted and believed is what life is supposed to be about, he was not shy to ask for people’s devotion, he commanded it. Money had given him the power to do so, my mother was the Godfather in my life but she did not command the same respect, not even close.
So I can see how Money has played such a big role in my life and how much I have suppressed this inside of me because money is considered a vulgar topic (funny that the word vulgar is from vulgus in latin , which means of the people, of the public, from the etymology from the latin dictionary ‘living word spoken by everybody” which means it was the ‘word of the people, the language that everyone spoke, living word meaning the language that is alive that can change and mutate because of it’s aliveliness” and so we turned this concept of real equality into a nasty word in Italian, volgare means ‘gross’ now, undesirable, because Money means in itself the very opposite, Money standing as the living manifestation of inequality, of a system of favours for the elite/elected, the chosen onse, of favours that always have to be repayed, at any price, the Mafia system concept that will do anything to get what it wants, ultimate power and control.
The actual Monetary System is a Mafia system, it thrives on fear and inequality spreading it’s roots like an Octopus into every fibre of our society, it holds against every single human being the book of profit and loss to prove one’s worth according on how efficiently they have managed to accumulate this imaginary resource that we have allowed ourselves to accept and believe to be Real.
This is why the monetary system must change, it must become vulgar again, of the people, of ALL the people equally, the living word that everyone speaks and exchange, putting an end to a system of abuse and inequality that we have come to accept and believe and thus allowed to manifest through our fears of being less and our desire to be more, losing the sight that our only true and real power rests in the very Equality we tried so hard to bury and forget.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that whoever holds the wallet is superior to the one that doesn’t
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to live the life depicted in a magazine to give myself the value that the magazine says I will have when I will live such a lifestyle, which is not real
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was more valuable in Hong Kong than I am now because in Hong Kong I had worked out how to access the money system with ease and here I have not yet
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that the vaue of a person is measured through their ability to access the money system
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to have money so I will not have to depend on men giving it to me
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that when I have more money than a man I am superior to him because i have allowed myself to accept and believe that when I have less money than a man I am inferior to him
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to earn more than a man to l out the gender inequality that I have come to accept and believe to be ‘the way things are’ and that things cannot be changed unless I have more money than a man
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the Fear of having less money than a man because I fear I might sell out for money and to be taken care of
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the desire to be taken care of by a man or by a family that watches my back, meaning by someone who has more, higher and better access to the money system than I have
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that life is a system of favours and I have to do plenty to create credits around myself that I can cash in later, like the Godfather did so successfully
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that since this world is a planet of inequality and abuse I would rather be the abuser than being abused just like the Godfather did
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that the Godfather was ‘honourable’ because he was respected and commanded devotion from people around him, failing to see that he did this through abusing and scaring others into submission
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was honourable because I commanded respect through the use of Money and fear in people around me because I feared not being respected because I did not respect myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that when I give blood I create a ‘favour’ from the universe or good karma to be returned to me for a selfless act to help others while I just gave blood one week ago to feel good about myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the desire to have a lot of credits to be repaid by others who have a lot of debts with me for everything I do/did for them
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that since my mother always threw on my face what she did for me I have to instead suppress the desire of wanting to throw on people’s face what I did for them not realizing that suppressing this desire is the same energy play that my mother had in place with me and that I resented
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was better than my mother because at least I did not throw on people’s face what I did for them failing to realize that I still kept the system of debts and credits going inside of me, I just kept the book quietly instead than loudly
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I was better than others who did nothing for anybody instead of seeing everything I have done in my life I have done it as to create a credit to be paid back later
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that money is vulgar, when in fact money should be vulgar meaning, belonging to all people equally as a living supporting energy for Life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I’m the unwillingness of letting go of my perceived credits for fear or becoming less than I am when I hold a book of debts and credits where the credits are longer than the debts
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that Life is a profit and loss sheet and that I better profit from it instead of seeing that it is my desire to profit in self interest that is creating the very abuse manifested in the world that prevents Equality to manifest for everyone
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that unless I can hold credits against others I can never be respected instead of seeing it is me that has to respect me one and equal to the world inside and outside and one and equal to Life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I must manipulate others into feelings of respect and devotion through the ‘generous’ sharing of money instead of seeing that until I use money to obtain some form of energetic pay back from others I am living in self dishonesty and supporting the abuse and inequality of this world
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am the dichotomy of a split personality based on how I have allowed myself to perceive myself in Hong Kong compared to how I judge myself and perceive myself in Italy as ineffective into tapping into the money system, instead I see I just took some time to make sure I would be able to clear and redirect myself to move from the starting point of what is best for all leaving behind my distorted ego enough to stand up for Oneness and Equality
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was unable to stand up for Oneness and Equality because I was too fucked to start with, instead I see that this is my Ego talking, desiring to be specially fucked if nothing else, instead I accept I am equally fucked to all other that are standing up and walking a process to move out of the MCS to stand for what is Best for All
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the fear of being feared instead I see I always feared fearing myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the fear of myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the fear of others instead I see I have always and only feared myself and having to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through my participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am the fear of no longer being attractive because I connect being attractive with having value and thus by judging myself as not attractive I have allowed myself to lose value in my own eyes
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe in my own definitions of me as value as separate from me as Value as Life
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that when I have a job I belong to the Master with the Master card that pays to own me and for desiring to have my own Master card to own others
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I am one and equal to the desire to own others and tha I can own them by playing the money game effectively because no one minds to have a Master that pays them enough, instead see that Life cannot be bought or sold, or valued or de-valued using Money, because you cannot buy nor touch what is real using a make belief tool like Money
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that Money can buy anything and everything
I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that people’s value is determined by the money game I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in, I now remove my support from the money game as a way to define the value of others because I give to others back their original value One and Equal to Life, one and Equal to me and everything that exists
I stand, I breathe, I am One and Equal, I am Life in the process of birthing itself into the physical