Walking away from the Mind, so many Fears..

 

Since yesterday it became clear that I am still just walking through my mind.
I have just swapped thoughts I participate in, before it was anything and everything and now it’s more focused on something, still the mind is were I live.
Today as well I saw that I have extensive fears to venture out of the mind, I have noticed a lot of fears that I want to write down to put them in a perspective that I can then address with self forgiveness, I fear not knowing how to exists out of the mind, I fear not knowing what to expect if I walk away from the mind, I fear that in the mind there isn’t enough knowledge and information for me to operate on, I fear not being interesting outside of the mind, I fear not being interested outside of the mind, I fear losing the advantage of knowledge and infomation that I lived one and equal to all my life and that made me believe I was more than others with less knowledge and information, I fear that I don’t have a map to follow and since I am not familiar with Self I don’t know if I can trust Self to lead, I fear Self because I cannot picture it or work it out through my mind, I fear being lost without the mind, I fear that there is nothing beyond the mind, I fear that I will not know how to express myself because I have only expressed myself through acumulated knowledge and information, I dear that since I place my fuck up through the mind in a time accumulated pile, too much time has gone by for me to be able to dig myself out of this like in the Matrix movie that you cannot unplug someone out of the mind after a certain age, I fear that I don’t know what will happen to my body if I lose my mind, I fear losing my mind, I fear that I cannot trust anything but my mind because I don’t know anything else yet, I fear this process must be painful because birthing yourself into the physical I have associated in my mind to childbirth which is painful, I fear I will no longer have fun, I fear losing the ability to communicate,  fear exposing all these fears because they make me feel ashamed because I never realized I had so many fears relative to just stepping away from something that I understood to be the cause of al the suffering in the world, I fear that if I look at such shame and such fears I will be frozen in a place of no return because they will be too much for me to handle,  fear that I cannot handle this, I fear that I have to face the shame that I don’t take the necessary steps to stop because I fear no longer existiing and that I obviously give in to fear to not have to face the fear of not existing, I fear what oother people will think of me both here and out of here because I am in limbo land between the two worlds, not participating in the outside world fully or in the Desteni world because I have not moved myself effectively beyond these fears through facing them, I fear that I will use the Desteni material to belittle others because they don’t get it because this is what I have always used knowledge and information for, I fear I cannot be trusted in any of the two worlds, I fear all this is too big for me at this stage in my life, I fear I might not be able to recall all of my thoughts because I have been away 25 years on pot and I heard Bernard saying if you cannot remember all your thoughts you are fucked,  I fear being fucked, I fear there are too many holes in my memory for me to walk this process, I fear that now I’m fucked anyway because if I let go of this process the shame will kill me and if I walk it the shame will kill me, I fear I am not doing enough but I am still entertaining myself while thw world has become hell, I forgive myself because I fear I will not be able to relate to my mother anymore because she has finally found a place of comfort with positive thinking and now when I talk to her I am always rocking her boat I can’t even let her believe that God exists so I feel like a sadist because I do not know how I am supposed to behave and what is the right thing to say or do, I forgive myself for fearing that if I leave my accepted world of polarity of righ and wrong of what is apropriate and inappropriate of what is kind and not of the mind I will not know how to behave, I fear that if I’m not aware at all times I might be fucking happily with myself deluding myself that I am walking this process while I just walk it as knowledge and information instead of letting go and breathing myself through this process to make sure it’s real, I fear I am not real in any of the two world where I live at the moment, I fear becoming real, I fear that I will always give in to my accepted behaviour of switching off when everything seems just too much by sleeping like I did this afternoon, I fear my fear of existing like this.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe and live one and equal to the fear that I don’t know how to exist outside of the mind, the mind is not who I am so I stop participating in this fear to give myself a chance to discover who I am by walking this process of self discovery

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that  the idea that since I don’t know what to expect if I walk away from the mind I better not walk away, instead of realizing that it’s my mind programming that tells me to not walk away and offering for me a “safe place” to exist so that I will not dare to walk away, instead I stop this fear, fear is of the mind and I am not the Mind, when I can bring myself Here in breath I don’t need to know what to expect because I’m HERE , expectations and need for expectations is of the Mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself  for allowing myself to accept and believe that I fear that without knowledge and information for me to operate on I don’t know how to exist, instead of realizing that when I operate on knowledge and information I am of the Mind and not Here, so I stop the fear of not living as knowledge and information, understand that this is what I identified myself with in the past but I am not knowledge and information, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that if I move outside of the mind I will not be interesting because I have learned to use knowledge and information to make myself interesting and I fear losing this upper hand, instead of realizing there is nothing to lose but my participation in a system of abuse that I have decided to no longer participate in so I no longer participate in the fear of not being interesting as knowledge and information because I am not knowledge and information and wanting to be interesting is a desire of the Mind, I am not the mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate one and equal to the desire of being more interesting than others and in the shame that I felt when I realized I always wanting to be more interesting than others instead I realize desire is a system design and so is shame, nothing is Real but Self one and equal to Life and everything else that exists, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear losing the advantage of knowledge and information over others with less knowledge and information because wanting an advantage over others is in itself based in the fear of not being enough, instead I stop breath and bring myself Here one and equal to Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am not enough unless I make myself more than others, I stop the fear of not being enough and see that fear is not who I really am but a system design, I am not a system design, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I don’t know if I can’t trust Self to lead me out of this lost place because I don’t have a map of where I am going that I can follow through my mind, instead I realize I don’t need a map to go anywhere when I am Here, so I stop the fear of not having a map to guide me, Breathe and realize I am not lost, I am Here, there is nowhere to go when I am Here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear Self because I cannot picture it or work it out through the mind, instead of realizing when I am Here there is nothing to picture out, the need for pictures and maps is of the mind and I am not the mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being lost without the Mid, instead of realizing I’m lost within the Mind, so I get myself out of there by breathing and bringing myself back Here , I am Life, I am Here I can never be lost

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that there is nothing beyond the mind because as I write this I can see how I would write this into a program so that the program would not want to venture out having been told there is nothing to be found, so I stop believing the bullshit of the Mind that doesn’t make sense and realize I am not the Mind, outside  of the Mind doesn’t exist, there is no there, there is only in the Mind or Here, so I bring myself back Here with every breath, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I will not know how to express myself without using the mind because I have only expressed myself until now through accumulated knowledge and information separate from me, instead I bring myself Here becausee when I am Here I don’t need knowledge and information, knowledge and information is of the Mind and I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for fearing that without the mind I will not know how to express myself because I have only existed and expressed myself through accumulated knowledge and information, instead I realize this fear is not real, only Self is Real in Breath and when I am Here I don’t need knowledge and information to express myself, I am not kowledge and information of the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for fearing that since I evaluate my fucked up life through the mind in a time line of accumulation and too much time has gone by with me piling up fuck ups I won’t be able to dig myself out of this place like in the Matrix movie that you cannot unplug someone out of the mind after a certain “age” and I fear having reached an “age of no return instead I realize, there is no time but in the mind, when I bring myself back Here through breath “time” is not an issue, so I keep pushing to bring myself Here and out of the idea of being stuck in a timeline, ideas are of the mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life
 
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I don’t know what will happen to my body if I lose my mind because I have accepted the mind over matter theories one and equal to me, instead I realize that the mind is not running the body except for running it into the grave, the body doesn’t need the mind to live, the body is already Here, I need to bring myself Here so I can amalgamate with my body, there is nothing to lose in losing the mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear losing my mind because of the accepted definition of what “losing one’s mind” means to me, meaning going crazy. instead I realize I am crazy within the mind, if I walk away I leave crazy behind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that  I cannot trust anything but my mind because I don’t know anything else yet, instead I realize there is nothing I need to know beforehand, this is a requirement of the Mind, I just need to build Self Trust through accumulated Self Honesty and be Here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think and say that I don’t trust myself because I judge myself about the life I have lived where I have been untrustworthy according to the judgements of polarity of the system, instead I realize that my life was preprogrammed and I just wore it like a dress that I can take off, and that to build trust I need to accumulate consistent self honesty with regard of who I have allowed myself to become by looking at my fears and forgiving myself for participating in them one and equal to me , self trust will come with process, I accept that this is a process and bring myself back Here every time I see myself wander into speculations about why I should not trust myself, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that this process must be painful because birthing yourself into the physical I have associated it through my mind to childbirth, which is painful, instead of realizing these are just con-clusions of my mind to bring up fears so that I will not dare to walk this process and free myself from the illusion, I stop my mind associations and projections regarding what this process should look, feel and be like and keep walking by bringing myself back into the physical through breath, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I will never have fun again, instead of realizing I cannot recall for real a time when I had fun except for a made up idea of what having fun is and for me living out that idea and conclusion which means only Mindjobs, so I stop deluding myself thinking I have ever had fun before because I realize I had the prescribed fun recommended by the system but it was never about Self expressing Here in the physical and walk this process to discover how it unfolds without ideas or expectations or fears, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear exposing all these fears because they make me feel ashamed because I never realized I had so many fears relative to just stepping away from something that I understood to be the cause of all the suffering in the world, instead I see that I have to stop so that I will no longer allow myself to live in shame for not stopping, I am not my fears, fears belong to the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed for exposing my fears to myself because I have always defined myself as fearless, instead I realize shame is just another crippling tool of the system to keep me in place, I stop the fears, I stop the shame,  stop the definititons of me that live in the mind and start facing each and every one of them so that I can set myself free and start to become effective, I am not mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I cannot handle this because if I look at such shame and such fears I will be frozen in a place of no return because I have never seen myself this way, instead I realize this process is about facing oneself not as one imagined oneself to be as that is of the mind, but as one as allowed oneself to become and lives one and equal to, because only when I apply such self honesty I can see myself, stand and make corrections to no longer live in the delusions of the mind, I can handle this when I am Here and look at myself beyond the polarity judgements of the mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I fear taking the necessary steps to stop myself because I fear no longer existing and I fear being too afraid to stop and having to face the shame of not being able to stop myself instead I realize both the fear of not being able to stop and the projected shame are mind jobs, so I stop participating in the mind because that is where all of my fears generate from and all of my shame generates from, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I fear what other people will think of me both here and out of here because I am in limbo land between the two worlds not participating in the outside world fully or in the Desteni world because I have not moved myself effectively beyond these fears through facing them, instead I realize all these considerations are of the Mind were I have existed placing more value on the way people saw and judged me than on my Self valued only by my Self Honesty so I stop living in the mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the judgement of others because I have placed the value of me outside of myself into the way people look and see me instead I stop and see that the way other people see and judge me is not my probem unless I accept and believe it is and that these considerations are of the Mind so that I would give in spending my life trying to please everyone else thus forgetting that I AM HERE, I stop forgetting that I AM HERE and let go of the need to have good reviews from the outside world, I don’t need to be valued by others unless I am of the Mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe in the fear that I might use the Desteni material to belittle others because they don’t get it because this is what I have always used knowledge and information for, instead I realize I can trust myself to not do that, there is nothing in this message that I can use to belittle others because it’s a message of equality as a starting point, so I stop this irrational fear, realize it’s just my mind finding new loopholes for me to follow so that I go on a wild goose chase, I stop the willd goose chases in my mind because they don’t offer anything of value but a hook for my participation into systems, I am not my mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that  I might not be able to recall all of my thoughts because I have been away 25 years on pot and there are too many holes in my memory and I heard Bernard saying if you cannot remember all your thoughts you are fucked so I fear being fucked, instead I realize I don’t know if I’m fucked or not, I know I was for sure before Desteni, when I am Here I don’t feel fucked so I bring myself back Here and I stop the fears that I feel when I take in informations as knowledge separate from me, I am not my Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowig myself to judge myself because I see that I am not doing enough, even though I see that enough is a judgement of my mind that leads me to blaming myself through the idea that I’m just fucking around while the world has become hell, instead I realize that if I bash myself around I will retreat in a corner like I did today giving in to my patterns of non existance by switching off and going to sleep, so it is important that I be a little patient while I build a stable point for myself to walk consistently, I don’t need to punish myself into working things out, there is nothing to work out but stopping the mind so I just need to keep walking, the Mind is not me, I am Life

I forgive myself because I fear I will not be able to relate to my mother anymore because she has finally found a place of comfort with positive thinking and now when I talk to her I am always rocking her boat I can’t even let her believe that God exists so I feel like a sadist because I do not know how I am supposed to behave and what is the right thing to say or do, instead I realize that I don’t need to find all the answers now, I just need to keep walking until I move further away from my past accepted behaviours and mind acceptances of right and wrong and then when I will be Here more consistently I will kow what to say or do at all times without fear or guilt, fear and guilt belong in the Mind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for fearing that if I leave my accepted world of polarity of right and wrong of what is apropriate and inappropriate of what is kind and not of the mind I will not know how to behave, instead I realize none of that is real, there is nothing to lose by leaving all these allowed accepted definitions of the mind behind, I am not the Mind, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that if I’m not aware at all times I might be fucking happily with myself deluding myself that I am walking this process while I just walk it as knowledge and information instead of letting go and breathing myself through this process to make sure it’s real, I can do this, being aware is just about being Here and seeing what is Real, I will get better and better at it, there is nothing to fear, I am Here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I am not real in any of the two worlds where I live at the moment, instead I realize, one world, the mind, was never real, the other is getting realer as I get realer by the day, I can do this, I am Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I fear becoming real, this is a fear of the Mind and I don’t buy it any longer, the Mind fears that I might see that the Mind is not Real and fears its own non existance, I am not the Mind, and when I am Here as Life, I am Real

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear existing like this, I don’t need to fear existing like this because I can stop myself from existing like this by walking this process, this fear is related to me fearing my existance as the Mind now that I see more clearly this reality, but I am not the Mind, I am Life Here in every moment of Breath

There is nowhere to go, nothing to learn, nothing to wish for, not a purpose or a meaning to look for when I am Here, only when I am Here I am Real, the rest is gibberywock to keep me busy, I stop the gibberywock, breath and realize, I AM HERE , I am Life

Self Honesty vs The Law

justice stamps

The Law vs. Self Honesty

Yesterday I went to the beach for some exercise, I am looking for some clean beaches as well where I would like to swim, but until now I have not been able to find any, the one I found yesterday was the worse I have seen in terms of water, shit was literally floating everywhere.
A week ago some friends told me that they made a survey on 30 hotels on the main beach of the island to see how many had installed the Law prescribed depurators, 28 did not, only the 2 newest did because they are owned by foreigners and the country has designed a system for which the Farangs (foreign devils) have to lose. Fair enough since the foreigners have been coming here only for sex and to exploit so they are facing the consequences of how they have come to be perceived, looters and takers.
It’s not that prostitution was not going on before, it’s a bit like the Anu story, they exploited what was already here, but the Thais found someone to blame, so in line with everyone else, they don’t need to take a Self Honest look at themselves and make corrections, they can blame it on us, we have become the representation of everything that is disgusting about their country, while they go to the temples and prostrate to Buddha for forgiveness and help to go back to their old ways, which was slavery under the royal family instead of slavery under the money system and the Farangs that they have come to accept and believe are more powerful than them because they have more money.
But one wonders why the Thais would not want to keep their land clean, my friend said that they discharge in the deep sea, this is bullshit that I don’t know how can anyone believe, to discharge in the deep sea they should have put down the sewage system that goes out for 1 km at least if not two, someone would have noticed, you cannot push a pipe through the sand for 2 chilometres with the equipments they have used to built huts on the beach, so they must be just connecting to the sewage system and those little rivers that we see going into the sea, they are it, tha’s how far into the dep sea it goes, right on the beach.
One puzzling thing is that it seems to have all happened suddenly, I mean it seemed Ok until before the last storm, the sea was never clean here before compared to some places in Italy or the Phylippines (a place they have been unable to exploit yet due to the unfathomable weather conditions all year around) where the water is crystal clear, in Italy is just an impression, in the 70s when I was growing up in the south of Italy they used to eat seashells alive, they would find them on the beaches, open them, squeeze the lemon inside and watch the little mussles curl up and eat them, we were from the north (and kept remotely away from the land or the sea, we never knew how animals were butchered, we would just buy steaks in styrofoam at the supermarket, we had no connection to how things worked in the food chain, asparagus could grow on trees for what we knew )and quite surprised to learn that about the southerners, eating seafood that is still alive, wow, until they had a colera outbreak and this was just no longer possible, thw Law forbade it, not because of the live mussle being just unacceptable but to protect the humans from the polluted sea.
The Law never stopped the pollution in the sea.
The Law is not the same for everybody, that is another lie we have been told, the Law is not the same for the Thai people that own the right to pollute and destroy their own country but not the foreigners, and the Law is not the same for mussles and humans, you cannot eat a human alive, not yet at least, we never know, the Law might change on that one when the food resources will start to disappear.
In my first job I worked for a maritime company, the shipowner was a very elegant man, law abiding citizen, he had one minuscule spot in his criminal record because he spent one week in jail but I am sure that once he paid his bail of 500000 euro more than 50 years ago and swapped his place in jail with his assistant, an older lady that was a mathematics professor in the morning and his CFO (on paper) in the afternoon for a meagre salary and constant verbal abuse, he felt OK because the Law said he could go free while the “CFO” spent 2 months in jail in his place.
He did not pay bail money for her, because he saw no value in doing that, he was her employer so he could excuse her absense from work, and the Law said she had to stay in until the trial, he did not even gave her a substantial wage raise or a lump sum of money that would pay her back for the humiliation of jail, for having had to spend 2 months in there and being labelled a criminal for life, he gave her he said his “unwavering gratefulness” and the equivalent of 20000 euro or less at the time, this was a private agreement and the amount just my generous speculation.
This lady was a real law abiding citizen, she probably never even went on the bus without the bus ticket, like most Italians, never stole a penny, never harmed anybody, was kind in words and demure in appearance but the Law established beyond reasonable doubt that she was a criminal, you can’t argue with the Law, she lived the rest of her late life as unfit to hold a bank account or the ability to sign a contract, could not have a mortgage or access the money system, she was not accountable by Law.
Yesterday I realised that the Law and the Money system are but one thing, the Law is about how much money you have to make the Law work for you, so they are both abusive systems supporting inequality, there is nothing acceptable about both when they are used to abuse and oppress which is their very design.

classic scales of justice
My ex boss was guilty of a crime that we could define “against humanity” even though the Law defined it as a maritime criminal trespassing, took the bail money and did not use it to undo what he did, they just pocketed the money, nothing was undone, it was impossible, so the bail money was an agreement in reality between the trespasser and the holder of the Law system about how much he would have to give given what he had made by his trespassing, we could call it commission money.
His crime took place before I worked there, he owned 3 vessels that were used to carry “leftovers” from chemical productions of the chemical plants in the south of Italy, it’s interesting to note that all these polluting plants were moved from the north to the south, to give jobs to the jobless, that’s what the plan said, the truth was that in the north, where the money was, they did not want the polluting plants and so they made up all these stories that they were doing it for their own good, like when your mother beats you up “for your own good”, same principle but even more subtle, because your mother believed it, they knew they were just bullshitting everybody.
Some other plants where in Lybia, our ex colony, where Gheddafi the dictator said it was OK to put them there because he had total control over his people, they would not even question what they were doing, hence our great friendship with Gheddafi that can explain why Berlusconi kissed his ring on the last official visit, wouldn’t you kiss his ass if he had agreed to pollute his country instead of yours and keep it all quiet, in Berlusconi’s place I am sure I would have, this is what we have become, let’s face it,  In Italy we knew we were supporting a cruel dictatorship but the advantages were many, we had over 5000 companies set up there plus the dictator lawful  agreements with our government kept the ones that wanted to flee to a better life locked into concentration camps once they were found boarding the frredom ships trying to enter Italy, the Italians never questioned what happened to them until we saw the pictures of the concentration camps but then they would go to mass and pray for these poor people, the Law told the refugees that they did not have the right to flee from a dictator controlled country and since Italy was the obvious entrance to Europe the Law added that we had the right to send them back at sea, this is a maritime law violation, because at sea you have the duty to help anyone, but we got away with giving them water and airport sandwiches and turn their boat arond to send them back to Lybia and into the concentration camps, as long as our peace was not disturbed, the Law said that it was our right to defend our coasts overiding the duty of help before anything of the old maritime Law, the Law can be adjusted, like Human Rights, until it fits the rich and powerfuls and the selfishness of the ones that want a better life just for themselves.
Two weeks ago I saw on the Italian Internationa channel a TV a program that said that we must no longer air dog food advertisements because in Lybia they receive the Italian channel and these ads of course mislead people into thinking that if a dog has such a life, they would like to trade it with theirs, so the solution is stop the dog food advertisements that make these people dream of a better life, I felt so ashamed, even now writing about this shame comes up and sadness for what I have participated in to protect my little interests, but the Law said I could, I was entitled to my properties and my good life.
To go back for a moment to the South of Italy, at the time it was a farming area, we from the north never thought that all this would come to bite us back, recently we have had cases of buffalo mozzarella polluted with dioxine, WTF, from where, people asked ? A forced investigation, forced by the outrage of the people living there “revealed” that it came from the chemical rubbish that the Mafia had dumped into the land in Campania ( the Mafia was not the producer of the trash, the Mafia was doing the dirty job that the government gave them to do so that when everything would come out we would have someone to blame and hate, they were and have always been the dirty hand of the government, the executioners but not the planners, today we would define them as “solution providers”), they would dig holes during the night and drive the whole truck into the hole and then cover up, in places that were previously unspoilt and only the buffalos roamed 🙂 There you go, shit in, shit out.
The Law never noticed this unlawful practices by the Mafia, because the Law, the money system and criminal organizations work together for the good old Elite, the old money people, the ones that a comedian said “own the colour blue” the farmers would complain that in the nightime someone had gone and dug a huge hole in their land and they wanted people to come and check but the Law told them stop dreaming and go back to sleep, who would do such a thing, and because the farmerrs did not have the money or the tools to dig up those holes and check what was inside they had to let it go, they accepted what the Law enforcers told them, don’t worry, maybe kids that come playing at night, you know kids will be kids.
So, back to the vessels, at the time and even when I worked there they travelled between Italy, Lybia and the open seas.
My boss was an educated man, he had a degree in economics, he always wore the most expensive clothes to show his heritage, he was old money people, had the mandatory villa on the Como lake with huge land and an expensive lifestyle of exclusive golf clubs to which he went back immediately after the little misshap with the Law, while the old teacher carried the blame and the shame on his behalf and was stained for life, could never access the money system again because she was not reliable and a criminal by Law and shunned from the community that followed eagerly her case on the newspapers shaking their heads, who would have thought, such a nice lady ?
The vessels were supposed to load the chemical residues and carry them to appointed places in the high sea, many people don’t know that there are sea maps, sanctioned by the Law, that indicate where the dumping of stuff that we don’t know how to deal with should take place, they made a lot of studies about this, they chose these spots due to the currents, believing that the currents would “disperse them” probably out in the galaxy system.
I say this because today when we talk about mercury in the fish no governments can explain how it got there, they seem to want us to believe that it was just an organic thing that took place due to the increased traffic in the sea, and probably people throwing a lot of broken thermometers in there, witholding the information about the Law regulated chemical dumping sea maps. I don’t remember voting for such a Law, my mum doesn’t either so I have to say the Law does not represent me, it represents the money people, if you have money you can get the Law makers to tailor make Laws that suit you fine and to hell with the world, pity the world is us and we keep forgetting it.
The vessels were old, he did not want to fix them because his economics degree showed him that it would be more convenient to not fix them and take a shortcut instead, so not happy with taking advantage of a Law that was tailored made for him and his peers to allow such atrocities to take place behind the backs of the citizens kept too busy to even wonder about such things, he looked for a shortcut.
Instead of having the vessels travel for 3 days into the open sea, he would have them turn behind the Eolian islands, an unspoilt paradise (until he came along :)) of natural beauty that was at a meagre one day trip, so 2 days saved of bunker (petrol) plus less usage of the vessels which meant pushing the time to fix them further down the line which equated to saved money, it’s all about the money folks, it was the perfect solution.
The vessels were supposed to “hide” there for 2 days and then return back to the port in the south at the planned time.
This went on for years, some questions arise, how could vessels of that kind of tonnage “hide” without the maritime police patrolling the coasts notice them ? It’s like not noticing an elephant in your living room, impossible, the advantage they had was that the chemical residues are almost transparent and mix with water because they are not oil based but acid based so let’s say invisible but lethal.
Did he have any self honesty about that to ask himself “what are you doing”? Nope, because he had the money and with the money you buy the Law and all the Honesty that you need, when both are on your side you don’t need to ask yourself such questions, so both money and the Law support the abuses in this world.
Self Honesty wouldn’t.
But back to the story, one day one of the seaman fell sick, they had just discharged in the sea, they tried to make him better with what they have on board but they realized he has an inflamed appendicite and if it bursted he would die so they were forced to go back to the port.
The maritime police boarded the vessel to check the tanks and the Captain’s Log.
The Captain’s log is a binding legal document, it’s not the captain’s diary where he writes how he is enjoying the trips, no, it’s a legal documet that binds him and the maritime company to tell the “Truth” and must be updated every day at the end of the vessels activities, with the report of what the vessel did and what went on, if they stop for bunker and how much they fill up must be written, the vessel doesn’t handle money, the maritime agency does that on its behalf to keep the accountacy books on behalf of the Captain, so the role of the maritime agency is to follow the vessel remotely and to anticipate the vessels needs, this was my job, we would communicate with the captain daily and ask bunker and oil remnants and calculate which next port he should refill and wire transfer the money to the local maritime agency that we were partnered with, at that particular time this was the job of the “CFO” the old lady teacher that on paper was responsible for everything that went on in exchange for the undieying gratefulness of my boss.
But the Captain’s log is for the Captain to fill, and he has sole responsibility of what he writes there because on the vessel the Captain is undisputed king and law maker.
That particular Captain’s log had an anomaly, it was filled for the 3 days ahead, which is illegal because nobody knows what’s going to happen until it happens, not only, the Captain’s log said that they discharged in the appointed discharge area, but the tanks were empty before the vessel had the time to get there.
So, this is how everything blew up, not through a thorough investigation of the anomalies of having  3 huge tonnage vessels  “hiding” in turns behind the Eolian islands regularly, no, it was by chance, we say the devil makes the pots but not the lids, this was a lidless pot that brought the Captain to his knees.
To a Sea Captain the most disgraceful thing that can happen is to be forbidden for life to take the seas, to be publicly humiliated and known in the business as someone who faked the Captain’s log, this is just too disgraceful to live with and so he killed himself.
My ex boss was sorry for him, but the Law said he had no responsibilities, after all it was the Captain’s  idea obviousy, lazy bastard that he was , not wanting to take he derelict vessel into the high seas, and the CFO, a 50 years old math teacher with no previous criminal record, they were the ones that came up with this idea the Law said, and the Law said that it was obvious that my boss was innocent, old money people, villa on Como’s lake and all that, he was back playing golf before the CFO was out of jail, such is the power of money and of the Law, you can delude yourself that really since the Law said you are not responsible, you really are not.
Self honesty would not allow this, you would have to question yourself and see what you have allowed yourself to become and make amends were possible and correct yourself, you would have to take responsibility.
Now back to my case with the Law, I’m in trouble over a VISA, meaning a permit to stay in a country, why do I need a permit to stay in another country ? I don’t remember voting this Law.
Why do I accept that I belong to a country in the first place, when I had a discussion with the Ministry of foreign affairs a month ago at the height of my disillusion with the system when I realized I have no rights by looking into what they are supposed to do for me and I found out they are supposed to do nothing, there is a list, long list of the duties of a citizen but the country has to give you the right to free speech and a few other absolutely irrelevant things, like the right to a fair trial (see above) I told him I wanted to give up my citizenship and he said, forget about this, now you are just emotional, which I was, and anyway it’s not possible, you cannot be an apolide, meaning not belonging to a country, this is against the Law, you must find first another country that gives you citizenship, get their citizenship then renounce the Italian one.
The Law says you must belong to somebody. Why? Because we are slaves.
Slaves cannot belong to themselves, slaves must belong to a slave master, in this case the slave master is your country of birth that determines your placement in the world. How?
Through the money system of course.
Since I came to Asia I realized that not only people have diifferent values in money terms, so Shri Lankan worth half the Philipinos, the Philipinos ten times less than the Chinese, the Chinese ten times less or more than the Caucasians but their passport reflects this, for example when I thought about taking my ex Philipino helper to Italy I discovered that she cannot travel like me, “freely”, she has to have the permission of my Embassy before she leaves the Philippines and I have to explain why I want her to come with me, be her guarantee, and promise to take her back where she came from, she cannot stay in Italy, not even if I give her a job, only in diplomatic cases, the lesser people can follow the diplomatic party, not otherwise, her worth doesn’t grant her access to the whole world, my worth doesn’t grant her access to Italy for good, I’m not a diplomat, just because of where she happened to be born and because of my accepted position within the money system.
So after this long review of what the Law is, fuck the Law, I am not going to be told how I can come or go, self honesty tells me this is all bullshit that I have accepted until now because it was working for me and because I was afraid of the Law because I put the Law above my Self and my Self Honesty, why do I have to be told what to do, how to move between countries, have restrictions on how long can I stay, when is the time to go, why do we need passports to travel, why did we accept all these bullshit about countries, what are countries if not sanctioned slave masters that ask your obedience in exchange for nothing, how did I come to accept all this to start with ?
Because I did not want to take the responsibility of my life, I accepted the system as something that is the way it is because I was not at the bottom of the food chain, because as slave masters go Italy seemed OK comparatively, this is the problem, comparatively.
We have been comparing how disgraceful our lives are compared to others’ and found we were winning by comparison and so we made it OK to not question what is really going on.

The Law is useless, dishonest and a disservice to Humanity one and equal to the Money System that we have come to accept and believe it’s the Law of value of Life.

I give up the delusion of the Law in favour of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and correcting my application by being Here in every moment of Breath to realign to the only Law that exists, the Law of Oneness and Equality, I stand one and equal, I am Life Here in Breath

If you wish to know what this process is all about visit Desteni website at

http://desteni.co.za

and join the Desteni I Process

STOP THE MIND, How far will we let the demons in us go BEFORE WE STOP ?

Tonight on the Italian International channel they are still talking about these two twins, abducted by the father and possibly killed, the mother is still hoping that they may be found alive somewhere, that he would have a change of mind and let them go, let them live instead of going through with his personal revenge that blinded him to what was acceptable and what was unacceptable. Taking someone’s life for personal revenge is not acceptable, it’s Mind possession.

The father “loved” them, they were his little girls until something happened with the wife, she told him she wanted to leave him and move on.

THE FATHER OF missing six-year-old Swiss twins reportedly sent a letter to the girls’ mother telling her that she would not see them again.

The Italian newspaper Corriere Della Sera says that the note told mother Irina Lucidi that Alessia and Livia Schepp were “resting in peace” and “did not suffer”.

It has also emerged that the father, Matthias Schepp, had searched suicide websites before he disappeared with the girls.

How can one premeditate such an action to hurt the ex wife, she said “he took the only thing that he was sure would make me suffer, my children”, he pre-meditated it, meaning by participating in the Mind he worked himself up to a point of hate and spitefulness and then from that starting point he acted out, he was possessed by the Mind.

He was an engineer, proving that education is not the solution to the Mind, we used to tell each other that these things happened to the desperate and non educated people, that having an education would turn us into worthy human beings that would always know how to behave, what can an education do for us unless we become Self Honest responsible Human Beings ?

How far will we go abusing ourselves and each other before we see that this dream we are all living must come to an end.

STOP THE MIND

YOU DON’T NEED THE MIND TO LIVE, YOU ARE NOT YOUR MIND

If you cannot do it by yourself  or don’t understand what this is all about visit the desteni website at

http://desteni.co.za/

where you will learn why you think and do the things you do and how to change yourself and the world into a place where we will all One and Equal be proud to live.

The Pope gest Self Honest and leaves the Vatican to join Holiday on Ice :)

 

Mystery

Since yesterday there have been a few relevant events I would like to blog about, first because I am starting to have fun again after days of wallowing in self pity and getting some of my Humour back that I feared might be only a Matrix design and not me, instead I have had a ball for the past few hours with this blog, I enjoyed My Self  just being Here, no requirements to be met , the simplicity of sitting content of me 🙂

One event woth writing about was that I watched 2 videos by Bernard that made me cry, one was titled  “God loves Self Abuse” which I published on my wall on Facebook, I watched it twice but the second time I did not have an emotional release, I could stand One and Equal, the other was titled : “The Science of Self Forgiveness is in the Water”, they were both powerful not more than me, One and Equal :), and I felt something moved inside of me, I shifted on a body level, had no drinks at all and not even tempted, I just sat here on my couch after cleaning my home, cooking and then played with wordpress, I enjoyed My Self :).

Today I realised that one of my Fears of Desteni was losing “Love” even though I understood in self honesty that we have never loved or understood what Love is if our starting point in Life was always Self Interest and therefore manipulation, I feared the idea that I would  lose the sense of how to relate to another human being completely with no possibility of return.

Today I realized as well  that this is not possible, the problems we face in relationships are based on Lies, Mind Constructs, Memories, all stuff of the MIND  that feeds separation, the solution can be found in Oneness and Equality, I have no experience of that, just starting to experience me beyond the mind but it’s a journey worth taking, a journey to My Self to realize what standing One and Equal really is, Life just IS.

In Oneness and Equality the other is me, what I give I give in Oneness and Equality to myself, we stop the delusions about who was right and wrong, we stop the credit/ debit game, we own everything that happened in our life in Self Honesty and release the other from our delusions, we were never victims, we were just hiding behind a blanket that was always too short and when we tried to pull it up to cover our heads it would uncover our feet, hiding was extensively tiring and the guilt and shame just unbearable.

Today I felt I look forward to hugging my mum again, not in the guilt of needing her help, not in the wanting something from her, not in the blame and shame of the past, I just want to hug her and feel how does a “clear” hug feels like, not because I need one or desire one, today I am Self Content, no wishing for anything that is not already Here, just because I would like to experience myself one and equal to this clear hug and to her for the first time in my life.

Today she called me for a chat about something that  happened to her, our lives have always been a mirror to each other in  a way that we could never discount.

She went to play cards with her over 60 group, one of the players was a lady telling her story, she was nicknamed Hot Wanda, but nobody knew why, she explained that since she was hot and had a chilled husband she spent her life having sex with the husband’s friends behind his back and had a ball at it, my mum is not a moralist, this was not a morality issue, she was clear about it, then a gentleman told a story of how “by mistake” the night before he stole some expensive fish from the supermarket (my mum wondered why the sea bass ?) and justified it saying he was out of work, they both left the playing table in a rush one to go off to Mass and the other to teach a religious class to children, she stayed sitting at the table wondering, is everyone lying here, does anyone live a principled life, why go to church, how do you dare teaching children ? I understand me, the Maddalena but yous two, what are you doing ?

The annoyance was extensive, she was clear that it was not about them but about herself and she pinpointed it to the irritation that she felt because they represented her lies, different approach, my mum chose flagellation, punishing herself all her life for not having been a good woman according to agreed morality even though she was single and not cheating, so of a lesser degree of sin in her own eyes than deception still she never reconciled her past, she stopped going to church because the church did not approve and so their paths parted according to what she believed was principle, not self directive principle, she looked into living an honest life in punishment at least, this is a pattern I repeated extensively so it was of great assistance to me to see myself in her, one and equal, she felt ashamed for the life she led and never cleared that shame, so looking at these people as separate from herself she felt indignation first, they didn’t self punish, they had the catholics to clear the slate and then they would start abusing from scratch every day, Con-fession and absolution was their companion, my mum didnt’ have that, she felt duped. Then when she digged deeper in Self Honesty she realised she was angry with herself for having allowed herself to accept and believe in punishment for what she did realizing that others had not embraced the same lives, they didn’t have a better life, just different lies that they lived out , she saw the common point of lying and that she was not better or worse, just living out accepted beliefs and her own desire to be judged good above all else, above herself, above the principle of Oneness and Equality where she would count herself as Equal and One if she could let it all go and stop the abuse of herself as Life.  She could see this,  it was common sense to her, I want to point out that she is 70, Italian (meaning extensively brainwashed), ex catholic, she didn’t think for a moment that it was too late to release herself, she told me she was going to jump on her bicycle and cycle around to start this process, she got it at the first “go ” I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe …” if she can embrace self honesty and self forgiveness there is no reason why anyone else could not.

I was not as fast to jump on the bicycle, I had to drag myself through the mud a little more but  eventually I got it, it’s about stopping it all and simply being Here.

A note to the Pope

Dear Pope, stop spreading lies about the Hereafter, let’s look at the Here that is a big mess since there is always time for after,  suggest to try and start with an honest job,  join Holiday on Ice, you have the costumes already and plenty of people to take with you on a dazzling Tour of the world, you can be an entertainer, but not one that puts himself above Life and everyone else in self interest, stop the abuse.

Give a Self Honest example of Self Forgiveness, nobody needs forgiveness , forgiveness is an act of abuse a gift that keeps on giving, leave behind your Possessions, the ludicrous Popemobile -you are not Batman -, stop believing that you are above all others and that you are special, we have given that up for Equality and Oneness, lay down the  rings, the furs you can keep some because the ice ring is cold, sell your riches and feed the world, go barefoot like Jesus, stop protecting child molesters and get an Honest life,  you are the hiding curtain offered to those that Fear standing, you are a disservice to Humanity, I no longer fear, I stand, my mum stands and so can you.

Stop deceiving yourself,  get Real, join the Desteni I process and start living a dignified life, get more information on Process at

http://desteniiprocess.com/

The Pope saluting before taking on his new place as a back up performer at Holiday on Ice, grateful for his Awakening to the Truth of Oneness and Equality, we salute him and wish him well.

I am the Pope one and equal to him and I forgive myself  for allowing myself to abuse Life to feed my delusion of Self Importance in spite of Life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was the desire for power and greed that I stood one and equal to and shared with the Pope in spite of everyone else and the extensive abuse I had to committ/endure due to my resistance to seeing that there is only one Principle that guides this Universe, Oneness and Equality and that I am responsible for everything that exists One and Equal to me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be special and more important than others instead of realizing those are desires of the Mind and I am not the Mind, I am Life Here One and Equal in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself One and equal to the Pope, I stop inside of me my participation in the delusion of separation, so that this abuse of Life may stop and we may all stand awoken from this nightmare in Oneness and Equality in support of Life One and Equal in everything that exists. I stop, I stand and in Self Honesty and Self forgiveness I walk my path of correction as Breath, as Life

Forgiving a day of mind constructs, Life is waiting !

 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel overwhelmed and for  living one and equal to overwhelment a day of many events instead of realizing is just because I am not yet stable in my Here application but it gets clearer everyday and I do not need to manifest myself as overwhelment to prove a point of overload,  just need to slow down Breathe ad bring myself back Here in Breath

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I must be attractive before I can go out of the house because by accepting this belief one and equal to me I make myself less than the judgement of men that look at me and I validate and participate in the sex system of this world

I  forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am less than my ex husband that now lives a fresh “love story” with a woman he recently met and is spending leisurely time on holiday while he still asks me questions about what he should do with his life

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself as ineffective in the reply I gave him and for feeling bad because I did not provide the proper support given that the problem he is asking about is a problem [u]I left behind[/u], my ex helper, because I had mixed feelings between righteouness and spitefulness that I allowed myself to live one and equal to

I forgive myself for allowing myself to live one and equal to righteousness spitefulness and use it as a starting point for a reply

I  forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe I had good reasons to get angry at my ex helper 3 weeks ago instead of realizing the only reason in self honesty was that she was no longer devoted to me and that I therefore was no longer interested in her

I forgive myself for allowing myself to manipulate her into thinking that she was wrong and I had plenty good reasons to drop her so I could rid myself of the responsibility that I felt for her because I could not find an effective way to address the problem in self honesty

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel responsible for her and her life when I have done my part to give her a good life even when I was away and now was just time to let go and make her responsible for her life instead of creating a discussion out of nothing and out of a moment of frustration that I could not manage in Bangkok that needed an outlet

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in manipulation of others for the purpose of having their devotion making them less than me and just objects that I can dispose of when they no longer display the required level of devotion to boost my ego

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate one and equal to the desire and need to boost my Ego, instead of realizing the Ego is just a sum of mind constructs I have come to live one and equal to so in letting go there is really nothing to lose but just delusions

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I have done much for my helper instead of looking in self honesty at the very manipulative starting point of the relationship to enslave her and keep her trapped in the affection for me not one and equal but inferior to prove I am superior to hide my extensive sense of inferiority

I forgive myself for allowing myself to use others in self interest

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I have always done what was best for her instead of what was best for me, so I stop the bullshit and will advise my ex husband to help her have what she wants instead of advising him to dump her so I can get what I want in spitefulness of having lost her devotion to him, I take a step back and step on my Ego so that I can allow myself to do what is best for her one and equal to me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in ideas of what my ex husband’s new life is like and for coming to the conclusion that for sure it is better than what we had together, because these conclusions I use to belittle myself and make myself smaller than him, instead of realizing that I just don’t know what is going on with his life and so I stop myself projecting my sense of inadequacy onto his new story

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I felt good until I skyped with him, as if there was something wrong with him, instead of realizing I just made myself feel bad by participating in unecessary mind constructs of past present and future with the purpose of blaming him for how I feel instead of taking responsibility

I forgive myself for allowing myself to abuse myself and others with words, thoughts and if I got away with it, deeds too, but I caught myself, in time because now I am watching my mind as an eagle for dishonesties, stopped, corrected my application and take it from here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am one and equal to the slight feeling of jealousy that I felt for my ex husband new life, instead I stop all past credits and debits and let him go, freeing him I free myself One and Equal

I forgive myself for allowing myself to sit in judgements of the Thais as a polarity of good people to cover up what I reallly think of them as abusive greedy liars and bastards instead of realizing I am just projecting on them the feelings I have suppressed for myself acting exactly like them and stop the judgement of them because the judgements of them are all just about me, there is only me HERE I better catch up with this

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I am an abusive greedy liar, instead of realizing this is not who I really am, this is just one of my personality suites efficiently designed to take on the system that  have not yet fully realized is ME for fear of having to face what I have allowed and believe to be one and equal to

I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to hang on to my hair because I perceive it as a point of stability, because it’s silky :), and at the moment I don’t know where to hang on to, instead of realizing I don’t need a point from where I can hang, that is inequality, instead I stop judging myself as ineffective in this process because I am not ready to take on this point and accept that I am walking hair or no hair for the time being instead of making it a point of lesser efficiency I then live one and equal to

I forgive myself for allowing myself to tell Adele who offered me support on the topic of drinking that drinking is not my problem, because it begs the question when I drink then whose problem is it? So I blog about it as a point of Equality for others that might be making the same transition from abusive systems to Life and say to myself that I will give myself some time to adjust to a drug and alchool free life, I have taken on the point of Pot effectively,  have had a bad day of suppression this week and drunk a bottle of wine with my food, which is not acceptable, but then  went back to a beer yesterday and a glass of wine today and I make myself Ok with it as long as I do not abuse this point to make myself drunk and use it as an excuse to not walk my process effectively

I forgive myself for allowing myself to watch the video of Bernard about alchool last night and for feeling uneasy about having to realize that alchool is not a support and for feling all my crutches have to go even though at the moment I accept that I am doing pretty well and stop myself from feeling discouraged, I will correct this point within the next two weeks for good

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that if I blogged about this I would be told I was not walking effectively and had to go away, instead of realizing this is impossible because I can see in self honesty that I’m making progress and that I am starting what is required to forgive by process, it’s not the life I lived, but the ideas and conclusions I came to believe about myself because of it and since I stand One and Equal there is nowhere else for me to go but Here

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear blogging about this away from the Forum for fear my ex husband would read about it and judge me for the thoughts I have and participate  in because in this fear I judge him as better than me but he is a system too with a secret mind and as systems I’m no better or worse and as Life I stand one and equal so I will go back and post publicly to help myself and others in living a Life without Shame, I push through the point of Shame because I Know no other way for now in Self Honesty and so I Self direct myself without Fear

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the judgement of others for exposing myself instead of realizing I am One and Equal which means others One and Equal might be facing my same points and find support through my walking like I did when I started and could not through my mind understand Process, now the Process is walking with me One and Equal to me and  I stand One and Equal to this gift that  I am receiving participating to set myself free and birth myself as Life into the Physical,  One and Equal to everything that exists

Facing Reality outside of the comfort of blogging

Today was a interesting day because it had no beginning, today started yesterday at some point as  I am going through an erratic sleep pattern being active during the night to follow everything that I had missed out about Desteni Forums and blogs and then sleep some during the day, but not today.

I have noticed I am not interested in vlogs, when I meet a vlog I look for the text version, I have come to accept and believe that I am not visual and made myself unable to integrate informations from pictures, I need to read what I need to understand. I remember when I went to see Mouline Rouge and I felt assaulted by the beginning, all those colours, all those twirlings of skirts,  didn’t know where to look to get it all in, infact   couldn’t, I sat breathless until they slowed down the visuals and I could catch up.

When I go to see movies where people don’t talk for the first ten minutes I know I have missed important clues, the visual is not yet of support to me, words must come in writing, I can watch the videos where there are text over pictures because then I leave the pictures behind and I can read, weird.

Me and my ex husband used to sit through a movie like two half people he would ask me continuosly “what did they say” because I could repeat verbatim and he would miss most of the dialogues  and I would ask “what happened”, when they were not talking because I missed the obvious happening in picture form only. the Vlogs don’t interest me yet, maybe later they will be a revelation, we’ll see how I unfold.

This morning I looked around and thought, what a mess, this is not working either, this is a pattern in my life that I need to write out and self forgive, I have accepted and believed that I can focus on the one things that catches my interest in the moment completely and leave behind all the rest, while practical things pile up outside the door and inside the house, the thing now is Desteni, but  have dishes to wash, bed to make, floor to clean and the laundry to put somewhere, possibly in the drawers.

I realized I am detaching from this house which was a nest, a place of seclusion, I had things piling up outside of the door as well, like sending a fax to the new lawyer, get my sauna flier done and start looking at ways to dismantle this house, so I had a choice, inside or outside? And I attended to the outside to start with because it was more pressing and it felt like it occupied a bigger chunck of my backchat.

So  got the flyer ready, wrote to some friends about the list of things I want to sell sent out the flyer for my sauna, packed my wireless device back into the original box to sell to a friend, put together some of my boooks, dividing them into a bag of italian books for a friend that a few days ago told me he missed reading in Italian because he was not yet good enough with the language to read in English apart from manuals, and a bag to sell and designed my day in my head of how I  woud run this errands.

Checked myself quickly in the mirror, did not make up and went out. The gardener stopped me to tell me Ellie, “pum pui” and smiled, which means I have put on some weight, which is true since I have abandoned the exercise to focus on the Internet world. This word is interesting, it translates with “softie’, it’s kind, like the Thai culture, and being pum pui is envied by the lower classes of workers that still greet each other with “have you eaten”. The Chinese woud call you “fatso” and laugh about it, even though in Chinese as well the greeting is not “Hello” but “have you eaten”, the Chinese dislike indulgences, they are thrifty except for what they need to show off, they eat modestly, almost never drink, excesses are frowned upon among the Chineses, they are not soft people, they are tought and harsh in their expression, they tell it like it is regardless of your feelings, except when they want to manipulate you in self interest, all cultures are the same,  just different expressions.

When she remarked that I was fat I considered changing my planned errand to not go to the Italian friends today, and so I caught myself still possessed by the Beauty Demon of wanting to look good and not fatso and not made up, because of my accepted definition of what a woman is supposed to be to fit into the system, instead I pushed myself and went, they were not there, somehow I was glad, (next time I will be fit again I thought in my secret mind that I can now see typing, meanwhile I will look into this Beauty Demon crap I said to myself catching me in blatant abuse of myself) , it was too early, at 12 o’clock the working day for those who own a resort has not yet started.

This point was interesting for me to see because I saw that I still manipulate men, whatever I said to my buddy today having a demure look about me and keeping my hair up the energy play is still there,  gave up sex but not the desire to be desired that is a big definition of myself that I will write out as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in the desire of participating in the sexual energy play. gotcha 🙂

Then I went to a British friend that has a second hand bookshop where I got many books in the past years, many I would just start and never finish because Pot is not conducive to reading within meaning, you have to go back and read the same page 5 times before you can remember who is who and what they are talking about and so while it’s a good test to see how gripping a book is, not many passed the test.

He lost his Thai wife on the 3rd of April to cancer, I knew that she was very sick but I have been away and then busy so I had not yet heard that she had passed, we sat to chat for a couple of hours,  I could not focus, I was tired, almost falling asleep and was thinking in flashes that maybe I could put up one of my sauna flyers there but I had to wait for the right moment to ask and so I lost myself in nonsensical conversations waiting for the right moment about how the Thais are better at funerals than we are, how they have a closer family system (of abuse) and some stories that were just delusionals about the value of keeping the family together, when we both know that the 2 children of her are staying around him hoping to get something out of his business.

But in self honesty, everytime I managed to shut down the flyer chat in my head, I did not know how to participate, join in into the grieving that was just formal but not real ? Have an exchange of politenesses about different cultures when we both understand that we spend our lives on the island looking for the good points of the Thai people because we have accepted and believed that instead they are just greedy bastards but in their case the fall from grace, from the accepted and desperately believed goodness of this kind race has been harder to swalllow, most of us are still in shock, we came here as to the ultimate refuge, a place where people were good, for sure, instead we found people just like us, demonic in their greed and desire to abuse, just with a smile on their faces, reflecting back to us the reality of the system of evil of Power and Money that we first exported, taught, implemented and now are not willing to face, the Thais are us, just more scared, more desperate, living in fear that the Foreign devils (Farangs as they call us, like the Chinese Gwailos, same meaning) might leave their country and return them to their lives of misery, at least now they have prostitution, what will they have if we leave ? Misery of the economy and of the Selves they sold to the system. The Thais are me, I am the Thais.

There is no more Heaven on Earth until there is Heaven for All, not one corner in the world is left untouched by the capitalistic idea of greed and power in name of free will and free choice no matter whhat, we are forced to face ourselves even here, in a remote corner of the planet, there is nowhere to turn anymore, so le’t stop running, let’s stop and face ourselves so that we can face this world, clear our shame and guilt and bring Heaven to Earth for everybody.

If you want to know how visit the Desteni site and check out the Desteni I Process

http://desteniiprocess.com/

let’s bring Heaven to Earth so that we may stop fearing each other and ourselves and become responsible Human beings in Oneness and Equality

Pinocchio Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that lying was always better than telling the truth because this way I wouldn’t have to take self responsibility for my actions, thoughts and words

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that white lies were not lies but a way to operate in this reality that served me better than teling the Truth, instead I now stop all colours of lies to stand one and equal to my words no matter what

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe the lies I told about myself so as not to have to face the truth of what I had allowed myself to become

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I was a seeker of Truth, thus separating myself from Truth  instead of standing as Truth one and equal to me

I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire self honesty but to live separate from self honesty as if self honesty was an unattainable, impractical dream, I now stand Here in Self Honesty in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept and believe that I could never become Self Honest thus abusing myself with lies I then had to live one and equal to

I forgive myself for allowing myself to set up different personalities designs each one containing just a bit of Truth about me as to not disturb me or others instead of living at all times Here in Self Honesty in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe I was actually one and equal to those personality designs of myself that I have set up so as not have to face the Truth of myself and what I had allowed myself to become, instead I stop projecting myself in stories and delusions of the mind and stand Here to face myself in Self Forgiveness on my way to Freedom and a dignified life One and Equal

I forgive myself for allowing myself to lie to make myself into someone special instead of stopping to face myself in Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness to release myself from my own delusions